SNOW IS NOT A NATURAL DISASTER

We here in Charlotte have a "Winter Storm Warning" that is causing panic in the hearts of Western North Carolinians. We are supposed to get...brace yourself...are you ready...1-3 inches of snow!!! Now this is definitely an impairment, particularly to the people of North Carolina since they freak out on the roads when it simply rains. Many people move here for the great mild climate most of the year (minus sweltering, humid summers) and get spoiled….but scared of rain? Come on, people! I bet you'd be less scared if someone told you that you had to drive through a stream of urine (which I accidentally did once). If this brings comfort, just multiply those urine streams and drive. I bet it seems a lot less intimidating to drive through urine streams than rain, right? IT'S THE FRICKIN' SAME THING!

Okay, I got off track there. My point in bitching about the people who are scared and don't know how to drive in rain is that imagine what happens when you have snow on the road? It's really scary! Seattle panics just as much with the snow, maybe worse because of all the big hills there. I remember the storm of 1996 where people were abandoning their vehicles on the freeways and walking to hotels. Of course we had an actual blizzard that time, but even with an inch Seattle panics. North Carolina is pretty flat and it's much easier to get around in it if you must. So when I encountered a little bit of snow here during my time in High Point a couple of years ago and then in Charlotte last year, I was shocked to see what happens in this state...it's unlike anything I've seen before. And so with that, I address the situation to the people of North Carolina.

Dear North Carolinians,

As we all await the predicted snow, many things are swirling about my mind...things like, "How festive! I'm so glad I'm going to the lake this weekend; it will be so pretty there with the snow! Mom can make snow cream if we get enough! I hope I can beat the storm before it hits Mom's since they're supposed to get 3-6 inches. Did I bring warm enough clothes? My tire is kind of bald, this could be bad. I really suck at driving in the snow...please let me beat the snow." These thoughts are just simple concerns and excitement. Please notice dear folk that nowhere in these thoughts have the following concerns appeared:

- I must buy two packs of every type of battery!
- A flashlight! I must buy a flashlight! Maybe more than one, even!
- What about food? We will surely run out of food! We must raid the grocery stores!
- I am going to call in sick to prepare for the winter storm.
- This is the end of the world!!!

I know this may shock you that I am not concerned about the above-noted items, but seriously people...it's only supposed to be around for the weekend. Unless your cupboards were bare to begin with and you are just grocery shopping the way you would any other day, then chill the fuck out! Okay, that wasn't very kind or Southern of me. How about this? CHILL THE FUCK OUT Y'ALL!!! Was that too harsh?

I know snow can be scary to drive in, trust me I know and I do battle fears of driving in it myself. Sometimes you just have to try it if it's not too bad out though. I am not cancelling my plans to go to my mom's just because it's supposed to snow. I did come into work early so I can leave early and try to get to her house to watch the snow hit. Yes, I am nervous about the snow starting up before I get there, but I will deal with it and drive like a grandma if I must. If something bad happens, at least I have a sleeping bag and my Halloween gnome hat to keep me warm, but I doubt my travels will end up in that bad of a situation.

So while I can truly understand your concerns of driving in the snow, I cannot understand the sheer panic and hording that takes place in this state (outside of the mountain towns that are used to it) when snow is about to hit. I would like to take this opportunity to let you know that you will not starve to death. Once again, it is only supposed to last through Sunday and warm up on Monday. I'm sure you already have enough food to sustain yourself through the weekend. If for some reason another crazy North Carolinian breaks into your home and robs you of your bread and cheese, of which were your only food items to last you for three days, please note that the human body can go without food for quite some time so long as you have water. And guess what? If for some reason your hands are too cold to turn the knobs at the faucet, remember that the root of this evil is snow! And what is snow? Let's alls say it together now, "FROZEN WATER!!!" Yes, you can eat snow for the three days you have no food and are unable to drink water from the tap. How lucky of for you!!! So in knowing that you will not die from starvation during the two days of snow, please do not purchase four loaves of bread to get you through the weekend. My friend went to buy juice the other day and said there was no bread in the store, as it had been all bought up in the winter storm panic that is standard around here.

On another note, this is snow and not an ice storm...power outages are not likely. Tree limbs do not typically break and down power lines when they hold a couple of inches of snow on them. There is no need to buy tons of batteries for the one flashlight you own. And there is no need to purchase a bunch of flashlights. Most of what you likely have in your home does not run on batteries anyways. Worst case scenario, you do lose power and you have your four loaves of bread, your flashlight and a working vibrator. That's about it. Be more concerned with keeping warm. If you were out buying up bundles of wood for your fireplace and s'mores ingredients for the fun of a fire, I can understand that. But bread, chips, batteries, etc? You. Are. Retarded.

Basically what I'm trying to say to you people of North Carolina is this...it is a couple of days of a couple of inches of snow. This is not a scene from "The Day After Tomorrow". You do not have to horde food, buy up batteries, loot stores that are closed from the snow because it is imperative that you have Frosted Flakes to survive the snow, burn books to stay warm, or contemplate cannibalism in case you run out of steak. Just drive safe, be careful, be reasonable, use common sense and for god's sake stop acting like it's the end of the world! It will be melted in a few days.

With great amusement and some discontent,
Heather McDuffin The Cold McMuffin