I always remember this constant theme from the movie L.A. Story (one of my all time favorites). It seems to be quite fitting of my recent situation.
I had a very powerful talk with one of my best friends last night. We filled each other in on our lives and I poured out my heart about all my financial struggles because of being buried in medical bills, of not knowing where I was going to live when I moved out next month, of not being able to accomplish the dream I've been focused on for quite some time now, of my fears and anguish of all the crap that has happened in the last year. And then she spoke and I listened and everything changed. I always feel grounded after I speak with her and our talks always trickle into my heart and actions. She reminds me of what's right and true and the importance of turning things over and not worrying about the hows or whys of things. Whenever I speak with her I remember the person that I truly am, though I feel is hibernating. I am reminded of the importance of not keeping my truth dormant because it does nothing but leave me stagnant, unsure and fearful.
I hung up the phone grounded, content, fearless, faithful, optimistic and enlightened. I knew what needed to be done about many things. Some were simple and I knew how to accomplish them, and others I have no idea how I will get there, but I will and I will let the path there take it's own course.
All of this led to realizations and an amazing talk with my mother which left me very humble and grateful and closer to being free of the shit I've been carrying around for a long time. I won't go into details, but will just say that this last year changed my life in a very bad way and I have struggled with not succumbing to the guilt and hate that I carry that I held onto something so destructive and abusive long after it passed. I have many regrets, but I can't go back and have to let it go. I can't erase the memory, and I'm not at the point of forgiving...yet, but I have to learn to let this go because I'm the only one it's hurting. I have to stop beating myself up for the choices I made and stop focusing on being resentful because I now feel "stuck" here. My mom told me last night that she's not sure why exactly, but that she feels there was some purpose in my move out here. Whether it be to establish a stronger relationship with my niece, or to have certain people brought into my life that I wouldn't have known, or something I'm not seeing at all, there's got to be a reason.
I have to realize that this horrible last year has also brought me to a place of freedom to pursue a dream of mine that I've had for the last ten years. I've tried to make it happen numerous times, but have been distracted by other jobs, relationships, moves, etc. I now am in a place where I have no ties and the motivation to make this happen finally. I'm not getting any younger, and I feel like this is something I'm supposed to do...or more I know I'm supposed to do. I've researched it for a long time and was panicking on how to make it happen, when Michelle talked to me about setting a goal for the year and not worrying about how to get there, but to let the powers that be figure that part out. Yes, there has to be footwork, which I've done, but now I have to stop stressing and let things fall into place for how to make it happen. It's worked so many other times, why do I doubt it will work now? I shouldn't doubt it, so I choose to make this dream my intent for the year and continue to take the steps to make it happen and just believe that the Universe will bring me to that place.
So as I let that path fall into place, I will focus on letting go, healing and finding my true self once again. She used to be a good friend and I'd like to get back in touch.
