OVER MY DEAD BODY!

I feel pretty comfortable saying that I know myself - good and bad. I know my strengths (at least some) and I know my weaknesses...in fact I probably know more about my weaknesses than my strengths to be honest. I also feel pretty comfortable knowing what most who know me think of me. Some think I am brave. Some think I am weak. Some think I am funny and witty (which I like to pretend is quite true), and others view me as just weird. Some think I am organized. Others think I'm a mess (at least in my personal life). Some think me as smart, others as flighty. I have been called Type A one day and earthy and laid back the next. I have been called a drama queen, an adventurer, a nerd, a weirdo, a good friend, sincere, and overly sensitive. Basically, I'm all over the board, but in a stable kind of way. But of all the things I know about myself and know what others think of me, I have never thought of myself as dangerous...well except when I talk with my hands so it's just best you stay a bit past arms-length from me when I'm talking. However, it appears my family thinks I might be not just dangerous, but deadly. Why? Well, let me explain.

Years ago when Millionaire Dollar Baby came out, my father and I went to see it together. Anyone who has seen this movie knows just how intense it is and that it raises the issue of choices between life and death and whether "living" is really something that can be true and of quality while needing machines to survive. It's a hefty subject, and one that naturally had to be discussed after seeing this film; unfortunately the conversation went horribly awry.

As my father and I walked out of the theater with me in tears from the movie, I commented that it was a fantastic film, but so hard to stomach. "I can't believe anyone could even consider having machines keep them alive! What kind of life is that for the person on life support, and for their family? It's heartbreaking!"

My dad looked at me as if he was about to lecture me. "Well I for one, want to be kept on life support if anything ever happens to me."

My mother had told me this about my father, but I think I chose not to believe it and so I felt genuinely shocked. "WHY would you want that for yourself and for the family? What kind of quality of life is that?"

He looked at me and with almost admirable assurance said, "I believe in miracles, Heather."

"I do too, but not like that. It's not natural!"

The conversation quickly spiraled and we were both arguing our points; neither giving in to each other's views. After arguing for a bit, I got so riled up that I said what turned out to be the magic words that put everything into motion....

"If anything ever happens to you and you get put on life support, I swear to God I will unplug you! I will trip on your cord so fast and make sure you don't put yourself or any of us through that crap!" I didn't really mean it. I was just so stunned that people still though this way and I reacted and said too much.

He laughed, but he apparently didn't think it was so funny because the next day I received a call from my mom. Now mind you, my parents have been divorced this time for 11 years. They get along, but most of their conversations are had when something is going on with one of us kids and then my mom is given the job of contacting us since we're closer with her.

"Heather, what did you say to your father last night?"

I had honestly forgotten about it already. "I don't know. We went to see a movie. Why? What happened?"

"Heather, your father called me today to let me know that he is changing his will and Power of Attorney and such to make sure you have no say in what happens to him in the event he needs life support."

My mind almost imploded. My father thinks I'm going to kill him! I fill my mom in on the conversation. "Of course he's changing the paperwork, Heather! He really thinks you'd unplug him against his will if he was in that situation! You need to watch what you say to that man!"

I wasn't sure whether to laugh or cry. It's such a depressing subject anyways, but now I'm apparently a cold-blooded killer to go against his wishes and just off him when I know better? My father is scared of me...at least in a hospital setting.

He apparently really did change the paperwork because my word is mighty in his mind. I'm not offended that I was removed from decision making in that situation, as who really wants that responsibility and heartache to begin with? But I'm still shocked that my father ever believed that I was capable of that. Okay, well sure...I did threaten it, but I also swore I'd quit smoking for 24 years before I finally did it. I'm kind of a slacker about being really strong about big decisions. Actually, it's not that I'm a slacker necessarily, I just...wait...shit. Okay, I'm totally impulsive and react without thinking through the consequences sometimes. I get why he's scared. He's seen my impulsive choices and had to live around me as I bear the consequences. I guess the man is pretty damned justified.

Last year I was at my mom's house and she sat me down and said we needed to talk.

"Art and I have re-done our wills and Power of Attorney and I need you to know that you aren't allowed to make any of the decisions..."

"OH MY GOD! You think I'm going to kill you too?"

My mom laughed and explained that they didn't want to be on life support, but that they were afraid I would keep them ON life support because I wouldn't be strong enough to go through with it.

Interesting. I'm a killer in one's mind and a wuss in another's. At least they both know I suck at decisions.