FULL OF CRAP AND SMELLING LIKE IT
Hello again! Welcome back to another edition of The Heather Chronicles! It is Saturday night and I am spending my second weekend in a row at home. No worries, I'm not a social leper or anything, but I am trying to watch my money, my drinking and my smoking. Tonight however, is different. Most of my friends are either at my ex's show, hanging out with their boyfriend/girlfriend, or have plans with all the married couples, which I am not. No biggie, it's been a new experience staying at home.
Though it may seem that nothing exciting can happen while at home, it's all in your perception. And with that, welcome to the home edition of The Heather Chronicles.
And Ry-Ty...I suggest you skip this one.
Though it may seem that nothing exciting can happen while at home, it's all in your perception. And with that, welcome to the home edition of The Heather Chronicles.
And Ry-Ty...I suggest you skip this one.
TEAM EF-FART
*Dear brother, you may want to avoid.
So, we all know that I turned 33 this month. I'm not thrilled about it AT ALL, but it's not like I can do anything about it. I am bent to take control of what I can control, and accept the rest. However, there is one thing that has gotten so bad, I think it's best I just don't leave the house. Now, I don't necessarily blame this on age but my latest stint of not smoking.
Everyone who has ever smoked knows that it makes you poop, at least for quite some time of your smoking life. After a long period of time this seems to wear off and it's a non-issue. Well when you quit, or at least whenever I have quit, I become constipated. Like REALLY constipated. I made it ten days this time before I slipped after getting irritated, but it was just a slip. During those ten days, I think I pooped once. Do you know how bad that hurts?
The worst thing is the gas. Your poo wants out SO bad, but it's nicotine assistance has vanished. It's like the turd is The Little Engine That Could..."I think I can. I think I can." Unfortunately it can't, so instead it blows it's whistle..."Toot! Toot!"...all the fucking time. Seriously, it's become terrible. Sure, we all know I'm all about farting and it may seem like nothing new, but not like this. It's so bad that my sheets fucking stink like gas and I often have to get out of my bed when I fart in them, so that they can air out before it's safe again. It's hideous!
It even eeked out at work! Yesterday I was at the office at lunch, getting all worked up about some betting going on about me, and I leaned back in my chair to fill up my cup with water from the water cooler and my chair slid and I bumped into the water cooler, flew back in the chair and landed hard and totally farted in front of two coworkers. They found it very amusing and then as I walked back to my desk had to endure, "That was a team ef-fart!" from my friend while she taunted me about getting old.
I think I need to be in a bubble, but dear God let my head be hanging out of it so I don't suffer!
THE TOOTHPASTE COMPARISON
Has anyone seen that Charmin Fresh Wipes commercial? I keep seeing it lately and it's driving me CRAZY! It's for the wet wipe cloths for post-poo clean up. It has the sketched bear showing the other bear that it needs to use one after using normal toilet paper. The thing is, they do this horrid, horrid side shot where they show toothpaste being smeared across someone's hand. Another hand then tries to wipe off the toothpaste with toilet paper, which cleans up most of the toothpaste, but leaves these two big ol' toothpaste skidmarks on the one hand...oh my God, it's on again...get the cleaner clean.
Anyways, they then take the Charmin Fresh Wipe and they clean off the remaining toothpaste with it (though it takes two big swipes to clean up the remnants). I know I have a high tolerance for shit talk, but this kind of grossed me out. Why did we need that comparison? And who really has shit the consistency of toothpaste? I mean, I don't know about you, but when I AM pooping (which I'm hoping will happen again someday) I never have had shit the consistency of toothpaste. I mean, I don't test it, but it never is difficult to wipe it away! I have bigger problems with the spray factor of diarrhea, but we won't get into that one. Basically, it's not a strenuous cleaning project with a typical turd.
I believe that if they are going to convey this message to people, they need to use real shit. Hell, use dog shit if you're going to prove a point, but just don't try to say that your shit's like toothpaste! What's next? Crest using poop on the toothbrush in their commercials? It's just a dirty shame.
Alright everyone, I think it's time I get off this subject now. My bowels are envious and crying out! Wish me luck!
Heather McDuffin
The Egg McMuffin
*Dear brother, you may want to avoid.
So, we all know that I turned 33 this month. I'm not thrilled about it AT ALL, but it's not like I can do anything about it. I am bent to take control of what I can control, and accept the rest. However, there is one thing that has gotten so bad, I think it's best I just don't leave the house. Now, I don't necessarily blame this on age but my latest stint of not smoking.
Everyone who has ever smoked knows that it makes you poop, at least for quite some time of your smoking life. After a long period of time this seems to wear off and it's a non-issue. Well when you quit, or at least whenever I have quit, I become constipated. Like REALLY constipated. I made it ten days this time before I slipped after getting irritated, but it was just a slip. During those ten days, I think I pooped once. Do you know how bad that hurts?
The worst thing is the gas. Your poo wants out SO bad, but it's nicotine assistance has vanished. It's like the turd is The Little Engine That Could..."I think I can. I think I can." Unfortunately it can't, so instead it blows it's whistle..."Toot! Toot!"...all the fucking time. Seriously, it's become terrible. Sure, we all know I'm all about farting and it may seem like nothing new, but not like this. It's so bad that my sheets fucking stink like gas and I often have to get out of my bed when I fart in them, so that they can air out before it's safe again. It's hideous!
It even eeked out at work! Yesterday I was at the office at lunch, getting all worked up about some betting going on about me, and I leaned back in my chair to fill up my cup with water from the water cooler and my chair slid and I bumped into the water cooler, flew back in the chair and landed hard and totally farted in front of two coworkers. They found it very amusing and then as I walked back to my desk had to endure, "That was a team ef-fart!" from my friend while she taunted me about getting old.
I think I need to be in a bubble, but dear God let my head be hanging out of it so I don't suffer!
THE TOOTHPASTE COMPARISON
Has anyone seen that Charmin Fresh Wipes commercial? I keep seeing it lately and it's driving me CRAZY! It's for the wet wipe cloths for post-poo clean up. It has the sketched bear showing the other bear that it needs to use one after using normal toilet paper. The thing is, they do this horrid, horrid side shot where they show toothpaste being smeared across someone's hand. Another hand then tries to wipe off the toothpaste with toilet paper, which cleans up most of the toothpaste, but leaves these two big ol' toothpaste skidmarks on the one hand...oh my God, it's on again...get the cleaner clean.
Anyways, they then take the Charmin Fresh Wipe and they clean off the remaining toothpaste with it (though it takes two big swipes to clean up the remnants). I know I have a high tolerance for shit talk, but this kind of grossed me out. Why did we need that comparison? And who really has shit the consistency of toothpaste? I mean, I don't know about you, but when I AM pooping (which I'm hoping will happen again someday) I never have had shit the consistency of toothpaste. I mean, I don't test it, but it never is difficult to wipe it away! I have bigger problems with the spray factor of diarrhea, but we won't get into that one. Basically, it's not a strenuous cleaning project with a typical turd.
I believe that if they are going to convey this message to people, they need to use real shit. Hell, use dog shit if you're going to prove a point, but just don't try to say that your shit's like toothpaste! What's next? Crest using poop on the toothbrush in their commercials? It's just a dirty shame.
Alright everyone, I think it's time I get off this subject now. My bowels are envious and crying out! Wish me luck!
Heather McDuffin
The Egg McMuffin
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Heather,
Try this, it's great to write about it and fun to read others..we can all relate!
www.theofficialdoghouse.com
Try this, it's great to write about it and fun to read others..we can all relate!
www.theofficialdoghouse.com
very funny blog, just happened to be looking for serendipity blogs to review useability issues and found yours. i think i'll send the rss feed to my reader. keep up the entertaining and it aint that bad being in your 30's.
Rod
darwin - australia
Rod
darwin - australia
hey heather. yeah, life sucks sometimes. good that you're venting though. nice to know i'm not the only duffin this stuff happens to. :)
