I am angry. Not just frustrated angry, but angry wanting to cry or hit or something. I flipped out briefly tonight and just spent the last five minutes viciously stomping out what I thought was a burning ember from my cigarette, but turned out to be piece of red glitter that has apparently been around since it fell off my pirate hat at Halloween.
Why am I angry? I'm not quite sure but I have some theories...
THE EX-BOYFRIENDS
I honestly feel like moving. Time has passed significantly since any boyfriend has been in the picture, but through most of my life when it's over, their gone, absent, finito. No running into them, no sadness when you see them, no wanting to walk up to them and clocking them on the back of the head wanting to yell, "What the hell are you doing to people in your life?"
Unfortunately, this is not my case.
This last weekend was wonderful in the sense of getting to hang out with friends for two different birthdays, but left me drained having to see the exes. The first was Friday night and my ex-boyfriend's band was opening for the band that me and my friends went to go see. Yes, I knew they were opening, but I'd gotten all damned excited and bent on going before I even knew they were playing with the band of my intent. When we all got there I wouldn't leave my table. It was close to the showroom and I could hear everything perfect, but it was the first time I'd been to a show where they played since we broke up. It just didn't feel right. It felt too comfortable at times, and yet I felt like I should run away screaming apologies for daring to show my face there.
He came up to the table afterwards seeing some of my friends at the table and said hi then saw me and bolted faster from the scene than a nun who ripped ass in a whore house. It hurt and it sucked. Now don't get me wrong, I don't want him back. I will always love him in a way, but I do not miss who he turned into one bit. It just seems that after a year and a half, he could not be a pussy. That didn't happen. Then as we left I turned around looking for someone and there he and his girlfriend were putting on their coats. It was just weird. I don't know how else to explain it but as weird.
Then there was Saturday night. Another friend's birthday and until my friend Terri brought it up to me on Saturday, had not even thought that the last ex, or pseuedo ex, whatever he was/is, would be there. I show up and see his best friend there. Fuck! He's going to be there. I know he's going to be there. Him and his skinny, little girlfriend who follows him around showed up sure enough. Damn it! So a bunch of us sit there drinking and eating dinner and I feel weird again. I mean granted it was only two months, but this man offered to help me get a tampon out that was stuck far, far up in me (his fault, but no, no it wasn't anything weird or kinky, just a stupid accident). I've seen this man naked many a time. It feels weird to just sit at the far end of the table and ignore him. I felt like I should go up to him and ask him if he's pulled a rabbit out of his woman with a chuckle or something. I can be nice to him, but with a new girlfriend around, I don't feel like I can be myself and feel a permanent ban against socializing with him.
It's just odd to have to deal with this new factor in life. The whole, it's been
_ amount of time, we can now re-enter the social scene together. Is this how a new mother feels when going back to work after staying home with her baby? Weird and out of place? I don't get it. I don't like it, and I'm not being mopey when I say this, but I'd prefer not to do it. Moving. I'm convinced moving will take care of this.
But as emotional as it was for me after the weekend of exes, that's not why I'm angry. What could it be?
LIKE A VIRGIN
Hah! I have it! I have the anwser! This newfound bout of longevity in virginity is apparently driving me mad! There's no other explanation for it! I mean, I have amazing, wonderful friends and a wonderful family, and loving cats (yes, I have to throw this in though I know it's pushing me over the cliff of Crazy Cat Lady-dom), and, and clothes! They're ugly and completely un-stylish and aren't fitting well right now, but they are clothes! And a space heater! I love my space heater. And blue paint on my walls. I love my room. I love the blue paint in here and the queen-sized bed that shooed out the "don't have sex" bed I got for my birthday two years ago when I didn't have a bed from moving with just my car as a possession carrier. But now that I no longer have the "don't have sex" bed, I'm not having sex.
Okay, first of all this was my pure choice. It's not just a wave of bad luck. I had what I refer to as the "Map Guy" incident and have been pure and clean in every form since. No kissing, no messing around, nothing!!! I vowed to take a year off, which will happen in March. I am hell bent on it too and have shooed the goo from the coo when the opportunity arose. I laughed and was snide and feigned interest and then ran away.
It now it has made me angry.
Yesterday I decided I was chubby from the new virgin lifestyle and am still convinced this is a huge factor in the fat department. No sex, no bliss where you no longer need food and can live off of love! No marathon sex to burn off the bagel you ate that morning. Nothing. Work out you say? Been there done that and it ain't the same! Everything that is bad for me is what keeps the weight off. Okay, well at first I guess. I mean we all settle in to a relationship and after a year many people start to put on some weight. So I guess I just need to date people for two months and then have a back up to go to immediately after the next so I don't start eating from the pseudo depression of the breakup. This will keep the cycle of weight loss going. It's the new fad diet! The Temporary Whore For More Weight Loss Plan (whore around and you'll get more than you bargained for...skinny!)
It's brilliant! Too bad I'm too hell bent to revert to that though. For now I will just sit and drink my Lite Lucerne Egg Nog that gives me better lovin' than many I've known, and dream of a day when two can share my new "come have sex" bed. Until then I will just be angry and stomp out the glitter that is a danger to patio.
