THE TOYS ARE CALLING!

My dad, brother and I flew in on Thursday evening to visit my mom, sister, brother-in-law and niece in North Carolina. We decided to do an early "Christmas" since the airfare was outrageous coming out here for the holidays. Things were great the first few days. We had a nice night on Thursday minus me drinking WAY too much wine and vomiting carrots out my nose before bed.

Friday my sister and I went shopping during the day, then the family went out to dinner, followed by my sister, brother and sister's friend going out to their frequented bar having karaoke night. This is the bar that has the swamp monkey I wrote about last year...the dear's ass that someone carved a face into with the mouth being the dear's butthole. Remember? It was fun and cool for the siblings to have a mellow night out. We listened to some good and some terrible karaoke, learned that if you show the bartender your boobs you can get a free t-shirt (no bobbies were shown here though), and got into a coaster fight with the owner of the bar (he started it). It was great.

Then Saturday hit.

I had plans to go to Charlotte to visit a wonderful friend whom I hadn't seen in years, and I was so excited to see her and visit her eight-year old I'd never met. I get up and am hanging out with my sister and then I mention that I need to call my mom to see when I can use her car to leave, and that's when I hear the bad news. My grandmother passed away in the wee hours of the night. It wasn't unexpected, but shocking that it happened while we were all here.

Now, I know this can be quite tragic for many, but I don't know how to feel about this. You see, I've never really had grandparents. My dad's dad passed away when my dad was 2, so I obviously never met him. Then my dad's mother and my mom's dad passed away when I was eight or ten, am blanking on when exactly. I have one memory of meeting my grandfather when I was five, and my dad's mom I saw many times, but she had Alzheimer's in the mean way and I was always terrified of her even before the disease hit.

My only grandparent was then my mom's mom. She was back here in North Carolina and was not a good mother to her kids to put it lightly. She then chose to not have anything to do with her grandkids. I saw her when I was ten, but think it was brief, and have a few memories of speaking with her on the phone as a kid, but that's it. No cards, no calls, no relationship with her whatsoever. I always envied those who knew their grandparents and feel that my best friend's grandparents are the closest thing to that for me, and I love that couple so much! However, I would have loved to know my true grandmother.

I saw my grandmother again when I was 27. When I saw her she told me I'd always been her favorite because I had red hair and she gave me a porcelain angel she had so "that I knew grandma was watching over me". I saw her again the following year and she gave me a butterfly hat pin she had. I am not one to want gifts to feel love and though I appreciated them solely because this was the closest thing to my grandmother acknowledging me most of my life, I just wanted her. There were times when I'd come out again that we invited her over, but she wouldn't come and didn't want us to come over. My sister lives here and saw her one time and my grandma didn't speak to her once, not even to say "hi". It's always been a sore spot for us kids.

So when I found out my grandmother passed away, I wasn't sure how to feel. It was weird because I had told my family I wanted to see her while I was here because I knew it would be the last time since she wasn't expected to live much longer. I was more worried about my mom because she said she knew she'd either die while the family was visiting or at Christmas, and she's closing on a house this week, and it's all just chaotic for her right now. We're not heartless people whatsoever, but if you knew this woman you would understand what I'm saying. She was very manipulative and selfish, and we all felt very sorry for her.

I am sad I didn't get to say good-bye to this woman known as my grandmother. It would be like saying good-bye to someone you'd said "hi" to four times at a coffee shop over the coarse of 33 years and also knowing all the rotten things they'd done. Lord, I feel horrible saying all this like I'm speaking ill of the dead. I'm not trying to, but I don't know what good to say. She was just a lonely, selfish soul and I don't know what exists beyond this life if anything (I'm seriously rooting for reincarnation because I am terrified of eternal boredom), but I hope she can make her peace and learn love. And I do love her for she is blood, but she is also a stranger to me when she should be more.

My mom was busy with arrangements on Saturday and I was still able to go to Charlotte to visit my friend and her son, which was lovely. I got home around 1 AM and then sat up with my mom until 4 AM and talked and cried together about our feelings with all of this. It's so sad, as my grandmother does not have friends, and very few relatives plan on attending her service. My mom and I were talking about how horrible that would be to die and no one really cared too much about it. I feel so sad for the life the woman lived and the way it has affected her children and grandchildren. I feel lucky to know that I have so many wonderful, beautiful friends in my life, as well as a great, crazy family, that I will never be alone in life, or in memory when my death occurs.

Today was the first day that the whole family spent most of the day all together and it was nice. My brother is flying out tomorrow morning and my dad and I have extended our trip so that my dad can help my mom move on Tuesday while her and I attend the funeral and burial.

So, back to the toys. You all know that I am the biggest weenie about being scared. I LOVE scary movies, but dear Lord if I experience something myself I will just sit there and scream and scream until I realize it's a joke. The times when odd things have happened, I've actually been fairly calm, but extremely terrified once I realized what I experienced. Last night once my mom and I were done talking all night, I was scared to go to bed. I was afraid of seeing grandma. I hear about things like that and my mind starts messing with me. Nothing happened, but today I found that while my mom and my aunt were talking about her and her funeral arrangements yesterday, the lights in my aunt's house went out and then came back on immediately. They were all thinking it was grandma.

Tonight I am walking around closing the blinds so I won't see anything I don't want to see outside in the woods around the house, and all of a sudden I hear loud chirping in the living room. My niece has this puzzle-type thing where it has pictures of animals on wood and you can remove the animal, and there is a sound chip that is motion-sensor so that it goes off when you remove or put back the wood animal thing. It is in one of the open toy drawers and I am nowhere near it and when I heard the chirping I go over and look at it and see the bird is in place. There is no way it should have gone off. I got so scared, but tried to ignore it and forget about it. So I go around to the other windows to shut the blinds and music starts playing from another toy. Okay, I am seriously scared at this point. I am thinking of that scene in Poltergeist II where the grandma dies and calls Carol Anne on the toy phone. I can't shake it. It's just so not right. Ugh! I'm so freaked out and in the woods kind of and everyone is asleep. Thank God my niece has no dolls here or I would fly home tonight!