I've been back from North Carolina for four days now, and have been out and about consistently since. I'm now home able to finally do some laundry and cleaning, but of course feel like taking a break and writing for a bit.
SELMA & LOUISE
Last night I was at Terri & Joe's and had so much fun! It was just them, myself and Alex. Alex is almost up to my shoulders now and is only seven! I haven't gotten to spend much time with him the last few months, so it was so much fun to get to hang out with him as well as his parents. Terri, Alex and I danced in the living room and I decided to spread the evil seed of bar dancing and taught Alex how to do the cheesy lasso maneuver, where you see someone you like and pretend to throw the lasso at them and pull them towards you. We all kept doing that and were laughing our asses off. I hope he will reserve this for being goofy and fun, and will never perform this move on the dance floor when he's older and seriously trying to hit on a girl!
The three of us then played Go Fish with sea creature-themed cards. We played two rounds and then Alex got bored, but Terri and I wanted to keep playing, so I suggested we do so, but each be a different character while we played. We had to speak and act like the character the entire game. It started with me being Aunt Selma from The Simpsons, Terri was Brittney Spears and Alex was Patrick from Sponge Bob Square Pants. It was hysterical and so much fun, then Terri burst out laughing and said I WAS Aunt Selma. I look down and see I'm sitting on the kitchen floor in large brown socks, black workout pants, a t-shirt and a grandma sweater with my curly hair. Throw in the cigarette I'd had earlier and it was a perfect fit. It was funny, but I decided to change my character, as we all kept doing. The second game turned into Terri as the Food Radio Lady that used to be on SNL, Alex as Jimmy Neutron and me as Billy Idol. Here is a sample conversation:
Terri: We have a lovely starfish that I'm looking for. Today we have Jimmy on our program. Jimmy, do you have Stella Starfish. That'd be nice. Yeah. Very nice.
Alex: I'm sad Jimmy! My arm is stuck in this cabinet (arm HAS been shoved into a kitchen cabinet). Go fish. Billy Idol, do you have Dexter Dolphin? I can't move my arm!
Heather: In the midnight HOUR she cried fish, fish, fish.
I miss make believe.
THE LIGHT AT THE END OF TUNNEL?
Terri and I were talking at one point and she starts telling me about how their friend Lud is upset because one his clan's dogs is a shit eater. The dog likes to eat poo, and then the girls let the dog lick them on their mouths.
"Ooooo, that's bad. You know what that can lead to," I said.
She nodded in agreement and told me I should write about it so here it goes. This is so embarrassing and something that most would probably keep to themselves, but you know me.
I can't remember how old I was the first time it happened. I think maybe eight or ten. We had a poodle that my sister and I used to give kisses to and he would lick or mouths...apparently after licking his butthole. One day my sister and I found ourselves walking around scratching our buttholes in unison. My mom asked us what was wrong and we both claimed that our buttholes itched. My brother being the youngest I think learned to never follow suit in our behavior. So he never encountered the dreaded curse we were soon to find we had.
My mother called the doctor when the itching wouldn't go away, but only got worse. That's when we heard what it might possibly be...worms. Worms that were transferred to us from our dog licking his butthole and then licking us on our mouths.
Do you know how mortifying this was? My sister and I possibly had tiny worms living in our frickin' buttholes! What was worse was the confirmation that was needed to determine this was indeed our malady. We were instructed that we had to lay on the bathroom floor without our panties and then a flashlight had to be shone in our buttholes. I later learned that the females respond to light and head towards it or something, so then you can actually SEE the butthole worms coming out of their hiding spots. This was the worst thing we could imagine.
My mother sat there talking about how she told us we'd get worms if we let the dog lick our mouths. So there lay my sister and I grimacing at each other as our cheeks were spread and the light was shone into our buttholes.
"I see them! Oh God, it's worms! Aaaaghh!" cried my mom.
This was treated with medication that we took orally, thank goodness, and the worms would die and then be shat out. We obviously kept this a secret and had no desire to share this with our friends. It happened to us three or four times in our youth, as we just couldn't resist giving our dog kisses, and then there we'd lie again cheeks spread and flashlight shining at our buttholes. This was one of the few things I'd resist telling people until one night at a party about two and a half years ago.
A bunch of us were on a friend's deck with skulls and crossbones drawn on us in imitation of our friend's tattoos, drinking, and then this girl I hardly knew starts talking about how one time as a kid her butthole was constantly itching.
"OH MY GOD WAS IT BUTTHOLE WORMS?" I shouted.
"YES!" She shouted back laughing.
A friendship ensued for quite a while after that and we used to laugh at how we bonded over butthole worms, and we gave everyone a good laugh that night. So for those of you letting your shit-eating animals lick their mouths, be wary of the worms. Just let the love shine through and don't put it in your mouth.
And remember good things come to those who wipe...I mean I always wiped, but you know what I mean.
Heather McDuffin
The Egg McMuffin
