And, it's gone. Christmas is not in my heart today. Kaput. Instead I am a heap of emotions, not only from today, but from this month, this year, this lifetime. Now granted, I am having my monthly week of hell and cry at the drop of a hat. Today I have cried about not having Christmas this year, bawled during and after seeing King Kong, and cried over accidentally stepping on and squishing a baby slug. What the hell? I hate slugs, but still, it made me sad. I have cried for what I have and what I don't. I hate this. I hate being emotional. I hate that I am writing this on my damned blog! And please, no one needs to email me after reading it to see if I am okay, as often happens. I will always be okay, but I just need to vent right now.
I feel restless and hungry to live more. I want to play outside, but it is always raining! I want to run away where no one knows who I am, where I can be invisible when I want and then show myself when the desire to do so arises. I want to see the world. I want to roll in the mud (this is an unusual craving that keeps coming up lately). I want to swim in the ocean, then come out and smell the humid air and the flowers. I want to laugh my ass off (I do often, but want to more). I want love again. I want to stop being afraid of my heart hurting.
Now don't get me wrong. I have a very full life in the sense of being surrounded by lots of love from friends and family. I have the necessities of shelter, food and water. I have all my limbs, all my senses, and a good heart. I have the basic necessities that some don't have and I try to remember this when I get down. But I still want more. I want my heart to stay full. I want to write, write, write. I want to wake up next to someone I love and see their eyes every morning when I wake up. I want to appreciate what I have and continue to always be open, to grab the moment. It just seems that the things I'm open to aren't necessarily there waiting for me. I honestly believe that the universe takes us to where we're supposed to be, but I'm wondering if it's on a commercial break right now.
I'm so grateful for what I have, but when I close my eyes I see and feel this other path in front of me. Then I open my eyes and I wonder where that path starts?
Okay, tearing up again. You know what pisses me off? They make everything to get you through your period...tampons, midol, water retention pills, chocolate, etc., yet there is nothing for the tears except for a lousy box of Kleenex. Can someone please fix that? I'd really, really appreciate it, as then I would not be this raging hormone venting to the world.
There is so much more I want to say, but don't think I should. I shall go for now and stop my bitching. I think I'm going to go close my eyes and try to find the start of that path.
Much love to everyone,
Heather
