I'm sitting here listening to a sappy CD, singing along with it and being a big ol' geek. Damned love songs. Notice everything is either "you broke my heart" kind of song or "I love you! I love you!" kind of song? There's rarely anything in between. Okay, I mean there's plenty in the gray area, but not as much as the other two. We sappy people can't help but think of past loves and what's in store for us when we listen to it. And Isaac, if you say one snarky thing about this, I'm going to bust you in the nuts!
It's funny, as a friend of mine and I were emailing each other the day and she was talking about how we always seem to think the grass is always greener on the other side. Those who have love and are in long relationships miss the excitement and newness of something, and those single people...oh wait that would be me...wish we had that nice settled comfort. I mean yes, there are great things about being single. We have no one to answer to or consider in our decisions, we can leave the bathroom door open when we're peeing, we can fart when we want, nothing we do has to revolve around the other's schedule, there's never any having to re-explain what we meant when the other misunderstands why or how you said something, there are no words to take back when you hurt that person, you can wear nasty underwear and not worry about anyone seeing it, you can go out with your friends as much as you want and not worry about neglecting your significant other, and most importantly you can never have your heart broken.
Thing is, I don't consider myself a selfish person anymore, I shut the door when I pee anyways, when I fart no one can gross out or try to one-up me and I say excuse me even when I'm alone, my schedule outside of work can be as flexible as I want it to be, you can be misunderstood by ANYONE and have to explain yourself, I have learned my lesson very harshly not to say things you will regret in the first place to someone you love, I don't want to wear nasty underwear even if I am single, all my friends are couples and if I go out am always the extra anyways so there's always room for more , and you can have your heart broken without being with anyone in the first place.
I had a dream the other night that I was working at some sort of mafia compound...okay actually it was a restaurant, but there were bunkers behind the restaurant. I have no idea what I did there, but I knew I had to keep sneaking off if I ever wanted to do anything. This little evil dog would chase me every time I sneaked out and I ran like the dickens to get out of there every time. One day, I go to meet April and Mark at a theme park. This park was a bit different as all the tracks of the rides were in the water. You were assigned this tandem bicycle looking thing that then hooked to the tracks and took you through each ride. I was super excited and so are April and Mark. So we buy our tickets, go inside and are assigned our bikes. This is where I got pissed. April and Mark are given their normal tandem bike thing and then they ask me how many and I say "one". I am then informed that I am not allowed to go on the same rides they are because I'm alone. I throw a fit and tell him it's bullshit and he just hands me my tandem bike, however in the second seat is this large art deco iron man sculpture. It's frickin' huge, as to announce to the world, "Hello! I'm alone! I'm alone! Look at the freak!" April, Mark and I agree to meet up in between rides and they go off on the twosome rides and I go on the single rides. I'm the only one on the single path and the rides fucking suck! They're broken and warped. It's like being stuck on a malfunctioning version of "Its a Small World" in different variations all day. I keep meeting up with April and Mark and they're talking about how cool their rides are and I'm pissed and ranting about mine suck and how it's discrimination, etc. Then I wake up.
No need to tell me what it means, the meaning just screams at you, doesn't it? Hahahah!
I had written something else and left it for a while, and then decided that was no way to end this. Know I'm not whining when I speak of all this, but am just thinking out loud. I don't know if it's the chilly, rainy winter or that this is the longest I've been alone and I'm tunring into that episode of Seinfeld where Elaine goes without sex and get stupid and finds herself standing in front of the spinning tire display clapping and laughing. I am just wondering what lies in store and if things will change when I allow myself to go back out there. Terrifying, but curious and looking forward to having that middle part of a relationship again someday.
I guess I'm just really learning that if we aren't heartfelt in what we have, it's time to change things. Granted, I have this stupid promise to myself and can't change certain things, but I'm so glad I've done what I've done. I have learned to truly, truly be alone and have fun and laugh and cry, and only have myself and those I open up to, to rely on. I know I would rather be alone than settle for something I don't want, love and appreciate. I know that I will not let the idea of love cloud me as opposed to the man I fall in love with. I know that life will go on and I'm sure I will love again, but for now I'm going to enjoy the ride and wait for the next curve in the tracks. Just because my single path at the amusement park was warped and distorted it doesn't mean there wasn't more in store. I woke up before I finished and have no idea what the next ride was going to be. Maybe the rides got better later or maybe two paths connected eventually.
I think I'll go see how many peas I can shove in my mouth, as my schedule is permitting it. Or maybe I'll go pee with the door open. ;0)
Love to all!
Heather
