THE THREE DAYS OF A NON-SMOKING MEDICAL MUTANT

Alright kids, I know I've said this before, but this time I think it's for real. I'm done smoking. The goal was the same day as many people's goals...New Year's Day I would quit. Woke up feeling really sick, fluish not hangover, and was coughing, sore throat, achy and no desire to smoke. Now granted I have slept on and off all day. Then 9:30 PM hits and I go buy a pack and smoke. Swear not to tomorrow, but have not thrown out cigarettes.

Monday morning I wake up and am feeling worse. Am now having difficulties breathing as well. So what I do? Smoke. Yes, my friends the idiot smokes. So then I realize I want to die, have my big breaking of the cigarettes ceremony and flush those bastards down the toilet...and no I do not leave just one, as I often have. Done. Done. Done. I sleep on and off most of the day Monday as well. I swear to you I have felt so shitty in my life and have never understood the pain of not being able to breathe well continuously. It's pure agony and hell. When my nose is runny I cannot take in enough air to sniff nor push out enough air to blow my nose, so it's continuous mini efforts. I try to do laundry, but am too achey to lift the basket of clothes and can barely walk more than 10 feet without my heart racing because I'm gasping for air. I call in sick to work and pass out around 7-ish that night and awake again 5 hours later, then am up for a bit, fall asleep again and then am up every 2-3 hours after that.

Tuesday morning I awake and cannot take this morning. The achiness is better, but the breath is still missing. All I can think of is my mom telling me how in the months prior to my grandma passing away, that if I could see her I would never smoke again. She had emphysema and heart disease from years of heavy smoking since she was young. My mom told me she looked like a fish out of water, just laying there gasping for air. This is exactly how I felt and it's quite a frustrating and terrifying feeling.

I wake up, call the doctor and get his answering service. They are not open until later now apparently. I lie in bed with my shallow breaths for another half-hour until they open and make an appointment for two hours later. I cannot shower or wash my face, but I manage to get dressed and brush my teeth. I drive hazily down the road to the doctor. I am told I have what appears to be a virus that has settled in my lungs causing a severe bronchial infection. I am given a breathing treatment, which helped for only a few hours, and am now on prednisone and some tablet cough suppressant with codine. Neither seem to be helping all that much right now. Well, I guess it's slightly better, as my breath in makes it a full "one-one thousand" now, and I'm not coughing as bad, but am still barely breathing enough to cough in the first place.

I wish I could package up this virus and give to anyone who wants to quit smoking, as it's the best remedy I can imagine...live life like one with emphysema for a few days. You would quit too. And if ANYONE ever sees me attempt to smoke again, just remind me of this time so I will remember the hell I will be putting my body through!

SAVED THE BEST FOR LAST
Now, to back things up a bit. I need to share with you the experience at the doctor's office today.

I am informed upon entering that because of my symptoms, I must wear a mask! I wheeze my words out, "Heh. Heh. Are. You. Ser. Ious.?" I am informed that this is to help them not get sick. I look around the room and NO ONE else is wearing this mask. Am I the only other sick person at the DOCTOR'S? Surely not.

I'm not going to fight it and am doing this odd giggle/wheeze laugh as I put on my SARS-like yellow mask that wraps around my ears. This is so funny to me. Not much embarrasses me, but this did. If I could had at least one...just ONE...fellow masked medical crusader in there with me, I may have felt a bit of comfort, but alas it was just me. I guess this is the lonely life of one superhero. Then I hear it.

HACK-HACK-HACK-HACK!

I look around and this woman is squatted down next to the water fountain, pouring herslef a cup of water, hacking her lungs out...on the water fountain. Not even covering her mouth because one hand is holding the cup and the other is pouring the water. I look to her and then look to the reception desk. I expect to see someone grabbing another mask and run for the woman, but nothing. They're all chatting about who's going out to lunch with who.

HACK-HACK-HACK-HACK!

Okay, now I'm irked. I can't even get enough air to create that loud of a cough! She surely has something at least as contagious as myself. I turn around again to look at the reception desk, eyes pleading...as that is the only part of my face showing...for them to mask the bitch. Make her one of my own kind! But they don't. I then turn and glare...as I can't scowl because still, only my eyes are showing because of this damned mask...at the hacking woman. She sits down from her water trip, having now hacked her nasty germs all over the water cooler, and I glare. She looks at me weird. I send her my evil thoughts, "Fellow mutant beware, I will have my revenge someday." I think I have the story for X-Men Part IV all worked out in my head....Isaac, shall we write it up?