I think I have officially lost my mind. Seriously, do you know what being sick as dog, gasping for air for a week and only leaving your bedroom to go to doctor's appointments will do to you? I'm now feeling a lot better, but the demise of health, human contact and steroids turned me into this psycho-babbling, emotional, asthmatic train wreck of a lunatic. I think that because I quit smoking in all this probably played a part as well, but whatever. The few poor souls I allowed myself to speak with in the last nine days are most likely avoiding me or have hung themselves by now. I think even my body is pissed at me, having blown out every bit of solid food I've ingested in the last three days.
Now, I am one who can enjoy being by themselves and often craves it, but I like a nice balance of this with human interaction. Too much alone time, trapped in one's room will drive oneself into a raving lunatic though. I have cried over the most ridiculous things, chewed out people, rehashed every issue in my life, yelled at the horrible TV programs I was stuck with like they can hear me, cleaned and reorganized this place a couple of times, filled out passport paperwork, read a bit, researched every Canon digital camera possible, bought one of the digital cameras I researched, looked into purchasing a computer as well, planned my 35th birthday...yes, I know I have another year and a half to go, and contemplated once again about moving away from here. And after looking on a certain plastic surgeon's website, debated whoring myself on E-bay for a nose job. I'm still on the steroids for another day, so you just never know what I might do until then.
I was able to have tea with Michelle on Saturday morning which was like a field trip for me. Stoned on my meds I looked around in awe of being surrounded by people. What was this place? Who were these things called people? And then poof! Gone. She had to go and I crawled back to my bed. Sunday I woke up feeling quite amazing compared to how I'd been and decided to go walk on the Burke Gilman trail. It was a dry, gray, chilly day and I could care less, as I was outside moving and had that nice flow of aloneness while encountering people smiling and saying "hi" to each other when we passed. My muscles hadn't moved for a bit so I would find myself weaving, walking like a new fawn or a toddler exploring the world. I was looking about at the scenery, which made it worse veering towards the bushes at time. And all the while I had the biggest shit-eating grin on my face loving it all. It was glorious.
Tomorrow is the last day of the evil medication they have me on, and I will be hanging out with friends the next couple of nights, finally regaining a sense of normalcy for me. I beg that this will be the end of the cuckoo nutty buddy roller coaster I've been on! And if some of you exposed to my insanity are still around, I'm so sorry! I owe you all big time for your patience with me!
Love to all,
Heather McDuffin
The Blech McMuffin
