My mother called me at work today because she was having a really rough day. We were talking and I was telling her that she needed to take care of herself and stop worrying so much about disappointing everyone else. We spoke about the difference of being selfish and taking care of one's self. I said how I used to always care what people thought and worried about everything, and how much happier I've been since I've stopped doing that. I said I was happy and knew I was a good person, so if someone thought I was selfish for saying no at times, or watching out for myself, then that was their own deal and I'm not going to be offended.
Then she asked me, "But are you really happy Heather?"
I said yes for the most part. I explained that there are of course some circumstantial things that I'm not happy with, particularly my job which has let me down very much as of late. I was saying though that for the most part I was happy. Thing is, as the evening has gone on I've really been thinking about this and I don't know so much any more. There are things that I am happy WITH in my life...the core of who I am, my friends, my family, the recent changes for the good in my life, that type of thing. However there's a lot that I think I need to change to truly be happy, however some things are out of my control and I wonder if they will happen.
Hmmmmm. When am I happy? I would say almost every day I'm happy about something even if it's short lived. I need something.....I....shit! Okay crying. Mother fucking PMS! Hahaha!
I need this for myself. I'm thinking of what makes me happy even if it's not in my life right now...
Swimming in warm water, blue skies, being in nature, new experiences (people/places), eating satsumas and berries, a great salad, new toiletries and using them for the first time, children and their imagination, sleeping in a really comfy bed with great sheets and a day full of great movies, my family, my friends, long deep talks, hugs, waking up with someone you love...and can hump, Lost, a great glass of champagne, having my hair stroked, possibilities, laughter, hearing someone fart...okay that makes me laugh so that kinda goes with the other one, my satsuma oil and Clinique Happy perfume, being in love, being silly, holding hands, knowing looks, smiles, honesty, complimenting someone and knowing it's absolutely true and makes them feel good, really hot baths, pooping when it's been over three days (there is such relief in that moment), walking around barefoot in the grass or in sand, a great film, touching music, an inspiring book, yoga, my cats, my shopping/lunch days with April (for whom I would not know what Sephora was), dinners with friends, camping, hiking, being healthy and not smoking finally, a great haircut, that my life is so stupid it's entertaining and often makes a great story, writing, warm weather, finding a place where it's absolutely quiet outside minus the soothing sounds of nature, dreams...like sleeping dreams, playing games...real ones not mind one, a great personal connection, my tiki mugs, shells, the ocean and the sound of the surf, vacations, Smart Wool socks (the best ever), Burts Bees products (particularly the peppermint lip balm and the apricot baby oil), great theatre, the fuzzy black and orange caterpillars, seeing people fall so long as they're not hurt (I'm sorry but this is hysterical), the summer bonfires my friends have, sunsets at Four Peaks in Arizona, hugging the man you love and his neck smells of soap, and sex that you can remember...okay preferably in love sex, but remembering it is now on my list...oh and sex that lasts over 15 minutes too...wait, let's up that ante....an hour minimum with foreplay...okay wait, I'm on my abstinance streak for another two months and 3 days, so I will take a fully clothed man who want to make out at this point.
There. That helped. Made me smile, made me laugh, made me realize it's all happened before and it will all happen again if it's not already.
Thank you my friends and family for being such a strong part of my happiness.
Fuck yah! Steve Carell just won the Golden Globe for best actor in a comedy series for The Office. One of the best shows!!!
Love to all,
Heather McDuffin
The Sappy McMuffin
