And the roller coaster flies around the first loop....
Why is it that whenever we feel strong in our convictions, life throws us a curve to challenge it? I am strong in that I do not need a man to complete me, yet I cringe when I crawl into my big, empty bed. I know what kind of man I want to be with, yet the ones I connect with lately are taken. I say there are things that I would never do and I find myself walking a thin line between right and wrong. I want to see the world and run around and laugh and feel the sun on my face, yet there is no one to share it with.
I've become everything I hate. I'm afraid I've become in love with the idea of love.
Now trust me, I KNOW love doesn't solve all the answers. Love does not complete one's life. Love is tragic and can hurt like hell, trap people, and let them live a life unfulfilled when they aren't being honest with themselves or with each other. Love and life are a roller coaster and need faith and maintenance to keep it going. Love can stop life, but it can also create or renew it. True, mutual love does however enhance what you already have. It creates that comfort of standing still with someone. It makes you feel invincible and unable to stop smiling. And all those cheesey love songs make sense.
I have always prided myself on not being in love with love, but being in love with the man. As I look back through my sometimes torrid, sometimes beautiful life, I wonder how honest I've been with myself though. I'm always falling for someone it seems. Maybe that is what I'm missing so much in this year of absolute chastity and abstinance...someone to fall for, someone to think I'm in love with, someone to dream of.
Heather
