The Heather Chronicles

A few weeks ago I heard a news story about a woman in Colorado who was driving home late one night and crashed her car; single car accident. When the police showed up she said there had been a vampire in the road and it startled her and she ran off the road. And get this...the woman was stone-cold sober! Maybe crazy, but sober nonetheless.

I texted this to some of my Twilight and True Blood-loving friends here in Charlotte and got into a text conversation with my friend Candice about vampires in Colorado. While we all know vampires aren't real, I still couldn't wrap my head around the concept that of all places in the world, Colorado could even possibly have a vampire residing there. Yes, I know...this is my warped brain taking the illogical and running with it.

You may wonder why in the hell I'd think that a vampire couldn't live in Colorado? Let me explain. While having never been to Colorado, I hear it's stunning and gorgeous. I'm even contemplating checking it out once I'm done with massage school. My friends who've lived there LOVED it. Why wouldn't a vampire? Well, here's the thing...based on what I've heard about Colorado I gather it to be a more progressive, outdoorsy, hippie kind of place...at least in many parts of it. And what do we all know about hippies? Most of them are vegetarian. And what else do we know about hippies? Many smoke weed. Now, I'm not bashing being a hippie, being vegetarian or smoking pot...I adore hippies for one. Secondly, I was vegetarian for many years myself and anyone who knew me in high school knows I smoked my fair share of weed. It's not ripping on that at all; it's just that I can't see a vampire living that lifestyle.

First of all, we're talking about blood suckers. Not very vegetarian. I mean, obviously if some hippie turned into a vampire this would be a life-altering change. They'd HAVE to start drinking blood. This is going to have many repercussions of course since anyone who has been a vegetarian and started eating meat again knows what it does to your tummy...you are plagued by the rhea at first. So here we have a nature-loving hippie now not only forced into a life of needing blood to survive, but they've got diarrhea. A really bad case of diarrhea. No one likes having that, but especially when you know you're going to be going through this for a while due to diet changes.

In addition to eating meat, this hippie vampire now has to kill to get their blood. Besides the hippies gone mad-turned anarchist crazy folk, we all know hippies are pretty chill and non-violent…at least every hippie I’ve known. Now they've become everything that they're against: a blood-eating killing machine with a bad case of the poo-poos. This makes a calm hippie, a violent and frustrated hippie now.

Now let's throw in the weed. This is going to do two things: rev up the appetite for the munchies (being blood) and also making them lazy. This vampire hippie is going to smoke some weed to chill out from their throat-fest of carnivorous debauchery and instead is going to get hungrier. What the hell do vampires snack on? Of course, more blood. So we've aggravated the problem. They're already pissed that they are living a pre-conditioned new lifestyle of drinking blood, killing people, and it's taking a toll on their tummy, but now they want it more because they have the munchies. So their mind starts over-thinking everything since they're totally high and would typically be eating Sun Chips. Instead, all they want is a nice jugular. They need their munchies, but now they're too frickin' stoned to get off their ass and go find themselves a victim and instead start playing Wii. Now they're carnivores, violent, are on the toilet every time they eat, and are now too stoned to go hunt out someone to munch on and they're starving. Can we see we're I'm going with this? The hippie undead would eventually starve to death and rot. Therefore, there will never be vampires in Boulder. Yes, you are safe from the nocturnal undead dear residents of Boulder. The same can be said of hippie zombies.

Now, my friend Candice pointed out that in the show True Blood (which I've never seen), they drink synthetic blood so it could work. Yes, it really could, but we still have the munchies situation. Unless they could get their hands on a hefty supply of the fake blood, they're still going to starve because with all the weed they're smoking, they're going to go through a lot of blood. The only other way I could see vampires in Colorado working out is if when they turned into a vampire, their vegetarianism would hold strong and they in turn would suck the juice out of vegetables like Bunnicula.

Now, you know who would make good vampires? Republicans. Not necessarily all Republicans, but we have to admit that most of the Midwest and the South are Republicans, and along with that, I've never met so many people that hunt in my life as those I've met from the South and Midwest. So we have people who already hunt and eat their hunted's flesh. They'd make awesome vampires, and even better zombies! And isn't True Blood based in Louisiana? SEE! Good places for vampires.

And while I'm on my rant about the prime geographic locations for vampires, let me briefly address the whole Twilight thing. While I get those vampires dig on my hometown of the Pacific Northwest because the overcast weather doesn't show their stupid sparkling, I can honestly tell you that most vampires in the movies seem pretty depressed in the first place. Put them in a constant cloud cover and I'm pretty sure we'd end up with mass suicides of vampires with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

So while we know there are no such things as vampires, should you feel differently and believe in them, move to Colorado to be safe...and hide your carrots just in case.

I am SO happy. SO flippin' happy and full right now. In addition to my lovely new home that is now clean of the psycho/thief of a roommate, the fact that I'm loving school and working on achieving my dream, and life just being really good despite being exhausting right now, I now have yet another reason to add to the stew of goodness...Benicio.

Benicio is my almost 8-week old Lab/St. Bernard puppy (we think his dad was a German Shepherd they saw taking off from their dog one night) whom I just brought home last night. He is totally, chill, loving and a total hippie. He is close to perfection! And with that, meet Benicio Baloo McD.

This is for my friend Shane who has the unfortunate view of a dead end road behind the YMCA at the railroad tracks where she has witnessed one too many blow jobs being given in cars. Shane, this is the story of BJ Lane...

THE LEGEND OF BJ LANE
Gather ‘round folks, I’ve a story to tell
‘Bout a place that’s as hot and as nasty as hell.
Around the corner of the NoDa Y
Sits a secret spot and this ain’t no lie.

Many moons ago an unsightly whore
Started this tale of oral lore.
Late one eve on a full moon night
The whore in town found herself not right.

While there’s many things wrong with a whore we know,
This one little thing posed a dilemma fo sho.
The whore lost her place of business you see,
Thus a loss of a places to get down on her knees.

Then late one night as the whore stumbled home
She came across a place where she’d never roamed.
A dead end road where she could act all defiant
And some railroad tracks to bring her new clients!

With glee and with hope she set up new shop.
At last she could suck more than a Tootsie Pop!
Hushed word spread rampant through the town where to go
To get some action from this well-known ho.

Business was booming, visitors flocked,
To pay for play time with their…well, you know.
The men lined up with their “candy canes”
And there birthed the place known as Blow Job Lane

This place get weirder and weirder, but this specific thing is particularly awesome. I don't have cable, so I was going to go hang out and watch The Office last night with some friends down the road. I grabbed my purse and started the short walk. The street that leads me to their place is nicknamed "Renter's Row" as it's a bunch of lower income homes and duplexes for rent and you often see piles of broken furniture and just house junk that people throw out in their yard when they move out. This one house has been for rent for a bit and as I approached it I saw a huge pile of dirt and leaves in the front yard of the empty house. And as I got closer and could see around the tree blocking part of the view, I saw a large animal sleeping on it! I thought it was a huge dog at first and kind of panicked because it was really big and not in a backyard. As I got closer I saw what it was and kind of panicked for a second...it was a lion!!! The following conversation ensued in my head...

Imagination: There's a fucking lion in my neighborhood!!!

Logic: You retard! Why would a lion be in your neighborhood?

Imagination: It ran away from the circus and found its way here looking for food! What if he's hungry and I walk by?

Logic: It's been a couple of months since the circus was here. If a lion escaped, you'd have heard about it.

Imagination: Okay, so maybe it's an escapee from some redneck who illegally bought a lion. You hear stories about that all the time of people buying tigers or chimps and stuff and then they snap one day and kill or maul their owner's friend. It made its escape and found its way here. Now he's napping and waiting for his dinner. This is the South, weird shit happens all the time here. People find legs in smokers and stuff.

Logic: You're in therapy, right?

Imagination: Yes.

Logic: Good.

So after the battle of Imagination vs. Logic, I compromised; I walked slowly and quietly as I neared the sleeping lion. And as my blind ass got close, I saw it. It was a very large stuffed lion. Okay, so I was partially correct.

My friends and I were talking about scary movies later that night and I got scared to walk home in the dark so they drove me and I told them I had to show them the lion. As they approached I shouted, "There he is!" Josh turned the car a bit so that the headlights shone directly on the large stuffed animal napping on dirt. It was missing an eye.

"It's a faceless lion," I whispered.

"Ohhhhh. It's the Velveteen Rabbit," Priscilla whimpered.

This of course led to conversation of that book and I was getting misty-eyed. I was grateful to stop talking about it by the time I got home, as everything makes me cry lately and I didn't need to add "stuffed animal books" to the list of things that make me weep.

This morning as I drove in to work, I passed the lion and stopped and took a picture. Here he is. I'm still thinking he escaped from the circus...or Toys R' Us.

Nice. The following is an email received by my friend this morning. Need I say more?

Why does this headline make me think of you?

From: ******
To: Heather ********

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:)

Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals http://onion.com/bPmIXw