Entries by Heather Duffin

I always remember this constant theme from the movie L.A. Story (one of my all time favorites). It seems to be quite fitting of my recent situation.

I had a very powerful talk with one of my best friends last night. We filled each other in on our lives and I poured out my heart about all my financial struggles because of being buried in medical bills, of not knowing where I was going to live when I moved out next month, of not being able to accomplish the dream I've been focused on for quite some time now, of my fears and anguish of all the crap that has happened in the last year. And then she spoke and I listened and everything changed. I always feel grounded after I speak with her and our talks always trickle into my heart and actions. She reminds me of what's right and true and the importance of turning things over and not worrying about the hows or whys of things. Whenever I speak with her I remember the person that I truly am, though I feel is hibernating. I am reminded of the importance of not keeping my truth dormant because it does nothing but leave me stagnant, unsure and fearful.

I hung up the phone grounded, content, fearless, faithful, optimistic and enlightened. I knew what needed to be done about many things. Some were simple and I knew how to accomplish them, and others I have no idea how I will get there, but I will and I will let the path there take it's own course.

All of this led to realizations and an amazing talk with my mother which left me very humble and grateful and closer to being free of the shit I've been carrying around for a long time. I won't go into details, but will just say that this last year changed my life in a very bad way and I have struggled with not succumbing to the guilt and hate that I carry that I held onto something so destructive and abusive long after it passed. I have many regrets, but I can't go back and have to let it go. I can't erase the memory, and I'm not at the point of forgiving...yet, but I have to learn to let this go because I'm the only one it's hurting. I have to stop beating myself up for the choices I made and stop focusing on being resentful because I now feel "stuck" here. My mom told me last night that she's not sure why exactly, but that she feels there was some purpose in my move out here. Whether it be to establish a stronger relationship with my niece, or to have certain people brought into my life that I wouldn't have known, or something I'm not seeing at all, there's got to be a reason.

I have to realize that this horrible last year has also brought me to a place of freedom to pursue a dream of mine that I've had for the last ten years. I've tried to make it happen numerous times, but have been distracted by other jobs, relationships, moves, etc. I now am in a place where I have no ties and the motivation to make this happen finally. I'm not getting any younger, and I feel like this is something I'm supposed to do...or more I know I'm supposed to do. I've researched it for a long time and was panicking on how to make it happen, when Michelle talked to me about setting a goal for the year and not worrying about how to get there, but to let the powers that be figure that part out. Yes, there has to be footwork, which I've done, but now I have to stop stressing and let things fall into place for how to make it happen. It's worked so many other times, why do I doubt it will work now? I shouldn't doubt it, so I choose to make this dream my intent for the year and continue to take the steps to make it happen and just believe that the Universe will bring me to that place.

So as I let that path fall into place, I will focus on letting go, healing and finding my true self once again. She used to be a good friend and I'd like to get back in touch.

First, let me say that what is about to follow is by no means meant to speak ill of the dead. It's just weird to me that all these 80's icons are dying young or younger than average. Seriously, I mean in the last year we lost Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, John Hughes, Boner from Growing Pains, and now Cory Haim. Some were "natural" causes (cancer and heart attack if you count either of those as truly "natural"), suicide, and "accidental" overdoses. It's kind of creepy to me!

ME: They just announced Cory Haim died of an overdose!!!

BRANDY: I heard that’s crazy

ME: It's like Final Destination 80's style. Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Boner from Growing Pains, Cory Haim.

BRANDY: Never saw that movie.

ME: People avoid their destined death and death is pissed and comes after them one by one. Death is taking back the 80's.

BRANDY: Is this the 1st celeb or 2nd? It happens in 3s. Nevermind, he may be the 3rd. Boner from Growing pains, the guy from Sparklehorse, and now Haim.

ME: I forgot about Sparklehorse guy. I'm seriously wondering if he won't count though. The Grim Reaper seems to be pissed at 80's actors.

BRANDY: LOL’ing at work because Death is taking back the 80’s.

ME: I think one of two things.

1) Death was a big fan of the 80's and wants them all to himself. He's collecting movie stars, TV stars and musicians. He's going to make them perform scenes from Charlie’s Angels, Growing Pains and License to Drive, all while Michael Jackson is singing Billie Jean in the background.

2) Death is PISSED at the 80's. He's taking them down one by one and making sure they can't have any comebacks like they tried. OH! Let's not forget John Hughes was 80's too! I wonder if Death wrote some screenplay, song or TV pilot or maybe ALL and none were ever picked up so he is taking back what he thinks is rightfully his!

Who will be next? It's totally going to be one of The Brat Pack, I bet. After seeing Judd Nelson at the Oscars, I almost wonder if he'll be next to go? That man is starting to like Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday in Tombstone! Actually, I'm going to place my bets on Gary Colemen. He's not been doing too well and has always had health problems. Plus he seems to have quite the volatile marriage, so is health doesn't get him, his wife just might.

The more I think about it, the more I'm actually convinced all this is the resurrection of 80's fashion. Seriously, the shit should have died as soon as the 80's was over. I remember many years ago discussing with friends that of all eras of fashion that should be dead and buried the 80's was the one that had to never come back for the sake of mankind. Alas, it did though, at least in certain ways. I'm seeing frickin' shoulder pads in fashion shows now! A lot of the tops from back then have been in for a while now, and leggings...dear god. Eylin and I have had this conversation so many times. If you are wearing them under a dress or oversized clothing, then fine. However, LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS! Do NOT wear them with a shirt that doesn't at least come to your mid-thigh. No matter how hot or skinny you are, you look like shit in your leggings when we have to see your ass and thighs. Leggings are just not flattering.

In all of this, I get what has happened. Basically what we're dealing with is this - by resurrecting 80's fashion, we have awakened Death. He is PISSED because like my statement earlier, the 80's were to be dead and buried. The dumbass who had the balls to bring back leggings and drawstring shirts is responsible for this! Didn't you people every see Jumanji? There are REASONS why the game was buried in an attic or in the sand...bring it back to life and you're playing with fire. And that's what has happened here. 80's fashion has been brought back from the dead and wasn't supposed to. Death is therefore taking back the 80's. He can't claim clothes since they're just objects. Instead he is taking LIVES. Seriously, people LIVES. It's like when Buffy was brought back from the dead because they were scared she was in Hell, but she was really in Heaven and happy. Her life resurrected was horrible compared to what she'd had in Heaven. Dear fashion designers, you are Willow, Xander and the crew resurrecting Buffy (the 80's). The 80's were happy being dead!!! They were having their own dance party in Heaven, all aglow in neon glory! Now you had to bring them back and Death has been angered and is taking people of the entertainment industry who were famous in the 80's! Stop the fashion, take back lives.

Death, just take the clothes and leave the people, okay? Oh, and uh...leave the music for me, please.

I am a self-admitted sissy. I can handle killing roaches, will ignore spiders, have no issue eating alone anymore, will cut through an alley at 2 AM by myself, and can talk to a wall...things that many people are afraid of. However when it comes to anything that is completely ridiculous, that is where my fears come into play. I am afraid of dolls, dying naked, driving over a bridge into water, ghosts, getting stuck under a semi, living past 50 and I'm kind of freaked out of sandwiches (what IS in between the bread?).

What's really bad is that my idiot fears combined with my wild imagination are a very dangerous weapon. I can walk down an alley and I will envision kicking someone's ass if I get attacked, but the other day as I walked into my mom's house and saw a disturbing blinky doll in a box in the garage, I kept picturing her climbing the stairs to try to get me. Thank god you practically need a ladder to get into that bad.

I admit it's ludicrous, but it's just how I work!

My roommate was gone this one night about a week ago, so I'd been playing on Facebook for a bit. My friend suggested this page about people who laugh at inappropriate things so I check it out. When I go to the page, some people share their stories of laughing at inappropriate things, but a bunch of people post the following:

WHENU R READING THIS DONT STOP OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN! {SORRYABOUTTHIS} THIS GIRL'S NAME IS SUMMER SHE'S 15 YEARS OLD & hasBLONDEHAIR ,MANY SCARS no NOSE OR EARS.. SHE IS DEAD. IF U DONT COPYTHIS JUSTLIKE FROM THE RING, COPY N POST THIS ON 5 MORE SITES.. OR..SUMMER WILLAPPEAR ONE DARK QUIET NIGHT WHEN UR NOT..............ExPECTING IT BYYOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND KILL U. THIS IS NO JOKESOMETHING GOOD WILLHAPPEN TO U IF YOU POST THIS ON 5 MORE PAGESee More

My heart stopped. It's the little girl from The Ring's best friend or a different version of Bloody Mary. What the hell is WRONG with these people? Why do they do this to me? It scared the shit out of me! Yes, I know these stupid "Do this or this will happen to you" things aren't real, but STILL fake or not we're talking dead girls with no noses! How can that not be terrifying to even imagine???

I immediately got off that page, signed off and turned up the TV real loud to anything that would distract the story going on in my mind where I wake up to this dead girl with no nose who kills me. I started picturing the scenario and grew intensely more afraid of going to bed that night. So what do I do? The most asinine thing possible...I did a little pseudo-speech/prayer in my mind.

"Okay Summer, I'm sorry you are dead and missing your nose. Mine isn't too hot so you may appreciate the lack of one. Honestly, there are many benefits to missing a nose, especially if you're around someone like me after they've had turkey meatballs! It's rancid! Seriously, do you even need a nose after you're dead? Can you smell things when you're dead? I apologize, as I've gone off track now. Anyway, I'm sorry that I did not repost that message on Facebook about you. I just feel like it's so junior high. Know that it did scare the hell out of me, so if you're vindictive you can get a laugh out of that at least. Please don't kill me, or if you do please don't let me see you before you off me. Seriously, at least let me die in my sleep and not have to see a nose-less ghost before I die. Thank you, Ms. Summer. Amen or something."

Throughout the night I'd get distracted and be okay until I pictured no nose dead girl standing by my bedside when I awoke in the middle of the night. When it came time for bed, I mustered up the courage to turn off the light (I've managed to wean off a nightlight since I moved in to my friend's house, though it's because the light on the side of my neighbor's house shines in my room). As soon as that light went out, I threw the covers over my head and made a small breathing hole while encasing the rest of my head in a comforter. I hummed for a bit before I finally fell asleep, hoping that I would not awake to the scariest thing short of being attacked by a blinky doll.

The light woke me up the next morning. I was alive and alone in my room. Yee-hah! My speech to Summer worked! I had once again survived the curse of my own imagination. However, now she's on my mind again. What if I can’t sleep now because I’m thinking about her again and get freaked out again? Okay, I must cover my ass again.

“Dear dead girl without a nose…”

I think I was born in the wrong era. Seriously, I long for the days when things were simpler and much less scary. Where people weren't so blatantly disgusting and disrespectful and greedy to the degree they are now. I know there were different worries and battles in earlier days, but now...well, now we've become this sloth-like, "me-first" attitude gone astray, that have no peace or disconnection from life sometimes because we're always reachable by cell phone. There are lots of things that I appreciate in this day and age, however there are many things I absolutely cannot stand. People are becoming creepier because of the anonymity of the internet to be whoever they want to be. I can't stand that video games and internet suck the brains out of people who stay on them all day long and never experience what has always been in existence...air. I hate, hate, HATE that people text talk. Seriously, it drives me batty. I know my text messages turn into 2-3 messages long, but I have a very difficult time texting someone, "NBD. Talk 2 u l8er." Have we really become that lazy? Unfortunately yes.

With the advancement of technology, this has made people so lazy that some are on the verge of being flat out immobile. Do we really need to drive two locks? Do we really have to do EVERYTHING online? If a store is within an hour of you, can you not go to the store and buy a purchase there rather than ordering it online? In a day and age where people are in dire need of employment, can we maybe eliminate those stupid robot menus for customer service when you call a company? Could we not employ a receptionist to direct your call? I find it so sad that it's so rare to actually get a live person when you call a company nowadays. And now they have all these voice activated menus when you call a company which are the death of me. So now we've become too lazy to press buttons? I understand that if you're on a cell phone and driving, this works to your advantage to have it voice activated, but can we not improve that technology a bit then?

This is where the whole point of the story begins...my issue with voice activated phone menus. I suck with them. Why? Well, on a good day they can't understand me. Perhaps it's my slight lisp? Or that I speak to fast or too slow? On a bad day it's likely that I sound like I'm in a zoo. A zoo? Yes, a zoo. I'm realizing that I'm a very vocal person without meaning to be. I often growl when I'm pissed. I will make what can only be described as a noise similar to that of a Skeksi from The Dark Crystal when I'm frustrated beyond belief or am trying really hard to clear my throat. I make a fart noise with my mouth when I screw up or get confused. I give an overexaggerated sigh when I'm bored or impatient. I make some foreign animal noise when I give a big yawn, and when I laugh really hard...actually, I can't remember what it sounds like to laugh really hard so never mind that one. Add all this to making sound effects instead of words, and add in my bizarre sneezing sounds, and we have a zoo in a Heather. Now picture this zoo in a Heather trying to maneuver her way through a voice activated phone menu. It's not pretty.

Too many times, have I had the following misfortune...

PHONE MENU: Please say your credit card number.

ME: 4-8 (Skeksi noise)7...

PHONE MENU: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Let's try this again. Please say your credit card number.

ME: 4-8 (big yawn) 7....

PHONE MENU: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Let's try this one more time.

ME: (frustrated now) Grrrrrrrrrrrr....

PHONE MENU: I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time understanding you. I'll transfer you to a representative that can help you.

It gets really frustrating! Why not just send me to an agent in the first place? On the rare occasion they give you the choice of typing in the information or saying it, I always type it in because I know what awaits me. Sometimes the phone menus get a bit aggressive. When I lived in High Point and I'd visit my friend in Charlotte, I was driving back home one Sunday and was stuck in standstill traffic right outside of Charlotte, which rarely exists...especially on a Sunday. So I call 511 to see if there's an accident.

PHONE MENU: Welcome to the North Carolina Department of Transportation's Information Line. To get started, please say what freeway you're on.

ME: I-85

PHONE MENU: I heard I-85. Is this correct?

ME: Yes.

PHONE MENU: What city are you in?

ME: Charlotte

PHONE MENU: I heard Charlotte. Is this correct?

ME: Yes.

PHONE MENU: Please state what part of I-85 you are on in Charlotte. Gastonia to Charlotte? Charlotte to Concord?...

ME: Charlotte to Concord.

PHONE MENU: There is an accident at Exit...

ME: ACHOO! AAAAACHOO! AAAAACHOOOO!

PHONE MENU: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

ME: AAACHOOO! ACHOO! Shit! ACHOOO! Fuck! ACHOOOOO!

PHONE MENU: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!...Good-bye.

I was disconnected before the sneezing rampage even finished. At least I knew there was an accident somewhere between where I was and Concord. But the irritation at having, "ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!" shouted at you by the voice of Rosie the Robot, is not the most calming moment amongst a sneezing attack. Plus it's a bit disturbing to know that your sneeze can set off some phone menu alarm. Luckily I have not been faced with many voice activated phone menus in quite some time until last month. And this one...this one just confused the hell out of me.

It was supposed to be a simple call to IKON to order toner, but instead I think I ended up the recipient of what I think was a joke created by some fan of 1970's children literature who set up IKON's phone menu. After I say our Equipment ID number, which went through fine, I am given the next option.

PHONE MENU: What can I help you with today. Please say "service call", "order supplies"...

ME: Order supplies.

PHONE MENU: Okay. First, let me get your name please. At the tone, please say your name. BEEP.

ME: Heather.

PHONE MENU: Was that Terabithia?

What in the hell? I'm about to laugh, but know this will destroy my voice activated possibility of getting through to actually place an order. I cover my mouth and wonder how it got Terabithia from Heather? And WHY Terabithia is even a possibility baffles me even more.

ME: No.

PHONE MENU: Okay. Let's try this again. At the tone, please say your name. BEEP.

ME: Heather.

PHONE MENU: Was that Hillary?

ME: NO!!!!

I'm about to make my frustrated Skeksie noise, but realize this will get me into further trouble.

PHONE MENU: Okay. Let's try this again. At the tone, please say your name. BEEP.

ME: (Slowly) Heea-therrrrr.

PHONE MENU: Was that Heether?

ME: NOOOOO!!!! No it's NOT!!! Shit! AGENT! AGENT!

PHONE MENU: Okay. I'm having difficulties understanding you. I'll transfer you to an agent now.

And of course in less time than convincing the robot that I was Heather instead of Terabithia, I was done. Seriously, in a world that has become so impersonal why do we have to add illiterate robot women and men to the mix? Of course I could learn a thing or two from them.

GRUMPY SUB: When in the hell are we getting paid?

ME: As soon as the job gets funded.

GRUMPY SUB: Well, this is ridiculous! You say...

ME: I'm sorry I didn't get that. Please repeat your complaint.

GRUMPY SUB: I SAID this is ridiculous! I have to...

ME: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! I'm sorry. I seem to be having trouble understanding you. Good-bye.

Today started well and then quickly turned sad, thoughtful, and then full of gratitude.

I awoke early, having some of the most restful sleep I've had in a long time. I have been plagued with nightmares for months and it’s been taking a toll on me. Sometimes they were remembering the reality of what I endured, stayed for, and swept under the rug to pose as being happy. Other times they were dreams of things that never happened, but were post-breakup and always involving him hurting me in some way or another. Other times they were of him and what could have been if he hadn't been so sick. No matter what, he was always in them, no matter how much I wished he would be exiled from my dreams and thoughts. So while I at least sleep nowadays, my vivid dreams often leave me shaken, disturbed and confused when I awake. This really throws me off and starts my day in a less than desirable way.

Last night as I closed my eyes and faded off, I said aloud, "I will not dream of you tonight." I fell into a deep sleep and instantly I heard music, which I realize now I rarely hear in my dreams. I was in a small town in the mountains having a picnic with friends whom I knew were friends, but I've never met. The dream progressed through the day with the picnic, then a hike, then walking around the town laughing, seeming very happy. It all felt very familiar and comforting. I felt so free. There was nothing bad; no worry, no fear, no hurt, no regret, no blame, no shame or embarrassment. All the things that have plagued me for so long were gone as I slept. I hadn't felt that in a very, very long time. I finally had a true good night's sleep and actually woke up smiling and happy before my alarm went off! I didn't want to move in fear that the feeling would stay in my bed when I left it. Luckily it continued.

Today is pay day, and tradition with pay day is that I get up early and "splurge" on an Americano at Starbucks. I've actually gone almost every day this week being that I'm alone at the office and not wanting to make coffee that is crappy, so it's been a $6 splurge kind of week. The sun was coming up, the city was covered in frost and the roads were near abandoned since so many people are off today. I pull into the parking lot of Starbucks, start to walk to the back door, and am stopped by a car pulling out. The man tells me they are closed, which shocks me. He then informs me that the police are out front, and that they were robbed this morning. The people there are always so sweet and nice, and whether you are nice or not, no one should have to go through being robbed, particularly in the early morning of Christmas Eve.

He drives away and two others start to walk there and I tell them and they panic, not knowing of any other coffee shops. This is odd to me since that was their first concern. I give them directions to where I'm heading and go there. When I get there I see this man I always see when I go to Starbucks in the morning. He's always writing in the corner and chatting with the staff there. I ask him if he knew anything about the robbery. He tells me a few men robbed them at gunpoint at about 5:00 AM. He and I discuss this for a few minutes and I comment how sad it was that they had to go through that at all, yet alone on Christmas Eve. He replies that it just shows how desperate people are right now. I agreed and left feeling sad that this is what our world has come to. As I drove away, I passed this building with a huge line outside of it. I had never seen this there before and stared, trying to figure out what was going on as I drove by. I then saw that it was for plasma donations. I realized that these people were likely trying to get some money last minute for gifts. The tears set in and I cried most of my way to work.

In a year that has been one of the most painful and shameful ones I have endured in my adult life, I find that as it wraps itself up, I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am. I am beyond blessed with a fun, loving and crazy family that is its own source of constant entertainment, comfort and support. We can have it out pretty bad sometimes, but within a day (usually less) things are fine and we are laughing at how stupid and ridiculous we were being. My family is always there when the shit hits the fan in whatever way they can be. I have a never ending supply of love and support and calming getaways to regroup my thoughts. I have recently had some much needed financial support to take care of recent health issues that I was not prepared to deal with, and am not sure what I would have done without it. My family is there for each other. We're nuts and bizarre. We do not necessarily understand each others' paths, but we support them. We are all very different, but very much the same. And in all of this we love and are there for each other in our own ways. I can't imagine it any other way, and am beyond grateful for their love and all they do.

I am blessed with many, many amazing friends that are pure and true friends; the kind of friends that truly know me and my heart. They are the kind of friends where it's not about what we're doing, but about the fact we're doing it together; whether it's going out, going for a hike, having dinner at someone's house, or just sitting on a couch talking about life. I can open up to the depths of who I am and what I believe to these people and they will share that with me as well. I can laugh with them, cry with them, or just try to figure out what the hell is going on with this crazy world with them. They are family to me. They are partners in crime. They are cheerleaders of life. They don't approve of everything I do and will lovingly express their concern or call me on my shit, but no matter what retarded choices I make in my life, they stand by my side. They are there to celebrate my successes and mourn my losses with me. They pick me up when I feel like I can't stand. They help me understand that baby steps are still steps. They remind me not to beat myself up, be ashamed of my choices, or let someone take away the best part of me. They remind me of who I was before I feel like I became a shell of that person and try to instill that that person is still in there.

Between my family and my friends, I am always loved, supported and taken care of. I have always had a roof over my head, even when I had those times where I had no idea where I would be living the very next day. I have always had food. I have often been spoiled with being treated to various things that I could not afford on my own...dinners, shows, drinks, getaways. I hold a lot of guilt that I have received so much, yet feel like I can't give back in those same ways. I only hope that I can give of myself and be a good friend who loves my family and friends back as much as I feel loved.

So as I think about the people who had to rob a store or donate plasma last minute to likely have money for Christmas, my heart aches for those people who have so little or have no one at all. It aches for the extremes that people will go to for material needs rather than focus on instilling love. It aches for the kids who get so much while some have nothing to awake to on Christmas morning. It aches for those who may have a lot "things", but no one in their life. I have struggled much in my life in many ways, but it has never been as bad as it could have been because the one thing I always have had is a plethora of love from the most wonderful people.

So tomorrow morning as you open your gifts and you get an ugly sweater, the wrong kind of whatever, another pair of socks, or are like me and not doing gifts (except for the niece) and will simply have a lot of Christmas hugs and my mom's Christmas breakfast, remember there are those that don't even get something they didn't want. Remember that you are loved by many and have much to be grateful for. And while I am definitely no big deal, know you are definitely loved by me dear friends and family. You are so very loved by me.

Merry Christmas!