WALKIN' IN A WINTER, WHITE TRASH LAND
January 19. 2008
at 17:30
Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
Comments (0)
Trackbacks (0)
View as PDF: This entry | This month | Full blog
Posted by Heather Duffin in The Chronicles
Comments (0)
Trackbacks (0)
View as PDF: This entry | This month | Full blog
TThis place is weird and I want to scream.
LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW?
I have been bitching to friends that I want a winter. Hell, a few weeks ago it was 73 and I was starting to get pissed. Then came the big news this week...we were going to get a "wintery mix" on Thursday. It was going to be snow, then freezing rain, then ice. Their way of saying we were going to have an ice storm. They canceled schools and government offices the night before. Everyone's too drunk or lazy to get up at 3 or 4 AM to check and see if it actually happened, apparently. And of course it didn't...not to the degree they predicted. We got a tad of snow and some freezing rain that stacked up on the cars and grass, but by 7 AM the roads were all wet with normal rain. I mocked the NC weather people and belly flopped onto my neighbor's hood when I slid in sleet, as earlier reported.
Friday the normal rain was supposed to freeze and create lot of ice and bad roads. So they canceled and delayed schools again. I woke up and the roads were not only NOT frozen, but dry. So the kids first get a rain day, now a dry road day. I can't wait to see them sweltering in June when they're making up those days. Wait. I won't be here. Thank god. Seriously though, every time I make a point to anyone about them canceling school the night before, I am met with same old story.
"There were these two kids a couple of years ago. We had black ice and they died because school wasn't canceled. So now they will cancel school over ice."
Okay, well first of all yes, that sucks. You can call me heartless, but I still don't get it. First of all, it was a tragic accident, not the fault of the school's. These kids apparently lived in the boonies where of course no bus service was provided and it was tragic. I don't see how the school is responsible. Secondly and most importantly, even if you want to blame the lack of school closure, why didn't someone fucking wake up early and look out their goddamned window? Seriously North Carolinians, who is that fucking lazy? I grew up in the Seattle area where the whole city shuts down if you fart snow. And granted it's often stupid, but at least we have major hills that cause issue, AND there are never school closures until we see the shit on the ground. I don't get it.
So today we were told it was going to snow up to two inches. This is my weekend where I work the 2nd job all weekend during the days. Everyone on Friday night was wishing me safe driving and such. I laughed at them, as I knew that it was once again bullshit. But what do you know? It snowed! It didn't stick but a dusting on the grass, but now there is a serious concern for ice in the morning because it's supposed to stay in the 20's and drop to 12 or 17 or something tomorrow night. So we shall see. But still, I have no faith in the weather people anymore, and more importantly the North Carolina school districts. These are the moments I am glad I am barren.
Motherfucker! They are now running CHURCH closings and delays under Runaway Jury. I can't wait to get out of here.
CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER
So we know that this place, as my friend Chad says, is "cracked out". Between pygmy goats trying to jump my car, ride-on lawn mowers driving on streets, and turkeys in my office window, you'd think nothing would shock me here. I was wrong.
This morning I was at work mocking the weather with one of the resident's daughters. We were comparing our horror stories from grocery shopping last night. The stores were PACKED! People were buying batteries and all sorts of shit. The two of us were cracking up at the fact that everyone freaked out over what they "thought" was going to be two inches of snow for one day. She told me how her store sold out of bananas and toilet paper. This of course cracked me up. She said one of the clerks said that the toilet paper became a big issue! Apparently they sold out and then the toilet paper truck pulled in, the guy started unloading the toilet paper and people went nuts! They started running out to the loading dock and were grabbing toilet paper off the truck! All of this for one day of potential snow? Who shits that much to the point where snow instills the fear of lack of toilet paper? Even I, the Queen of Poo, doesn’t get this.
We got our chuckles out of this and then we moved on to the crazier man. This was what seemed to be a very nice security guard. I had been warned he was a talker though. The guard showed up with his waxed and curled moustache and cane and took a seat. He told me about his bum knee and how he doesn't do full rounds, but looks out the window to make sure nothing bad is going on. Then for some reason, as conversation with the security guards oddly turns to, we talked about our divorces. I got to hear all about his and his wife's insanity and sexual/physical abuse from her first marriage. Now, I am someone who can take a lot, but this was starting to make me uncomfortable.
Then he said the words that pushed the line.
Guard: I love my ex-wife, but she got my retirement fund and everything I own. If I ever get a terminal illness, I'm going to kill her divorce attorney!
Me: Hahaha! Right.
Guard: No, I'm not kidding! I'll kill the son of a bitch.
Me: (Now uncomfortable). Oh.
Guard: I'll tell you something; the threat to this nation is not the terrorists. It's the attorneys that rape our judicial system.
Me: Oh.
Seriously folks, what do you say to this? I just witnessed a potential death threat! I sat there with a semi-smile frozen to my face and started working on a project. I was skurrrrred. Skurrrrred, I tell you. Chad, you are right. This place IS cracked out. April can't come soon enough.
On a lighter note, I am feeling more human again, but am extremely constipated from the Chantix. I'm not smoking though! Yay for not smoking, though I feel like I cheated tonight because I am currently drinking wine and I broke down and sucked a nicotine lozenge. Boo for no poop! Not even a couple of glasses of Metamucil have helped me out today. I woke up today with poo baby bloat. It's quite repulsive. I think I shall do a saline laxative. I'm worried; as the last time I did this, I shit tea water in my sleep. However, the poo bloat is just too much to handle. Maybe I'll lay down some garbage bags in my bed tonight?
At this point, I'm sure you are ready to vomit so I will leave you be. Happy pooping, not smoking, and not killing attorneys to all!
Love,
Me
LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW! LET IT SNOW?
I have been bitching to friends that I want a winter. Hell, a few weeks ago it was 73 and I was starting to get pissed. Then came the big news this week...we were going to get a "wintery mix" on Thursday. It was going to be snow, then freezing rain, then ice. Their way of saying we were going to have an ice storm. They canceled schools and government offices the night before. Everyone's too drunk or lazy to get up at 3 or 4 AM to check and see if it actually happened, apparently. And of course it didn't...not to the degree they predicted. We got a tad of snow and some freezing rain that stacked up on the cars and grass, but by 7 AM the roads were all wet with normal rain. I mocked the NC weather people and belly flopped onto my neighbor's hood when I slid in sleet, as earlier reported.
Friday the normal rain was supposed to freeze and create lot of ice and bad roads. So they canceled and delayed schools again. I woke up and the roads were not only NOT frozen, but dry. So the kids first get a rain day, now a dry road day. I can't wait to see them sweltering in June when they're making up those days. Wait. I won't be here. Thank god. Seriously though, every time I make a point to anyone about them canceling school the night before, I am met with same old story.
"There were these two kids a couple of years ago. We had black ice and they died because school wasn't canceled. So now they will cancel school over ice."
Okay, well first of all yes, that sucks. You can call me heartless, but I still don't get it. First of all, it was a tragic accident, not the fault of the school's. These kids apparently lived in the boonies where of course no bus service was provided and it was tragic. I don't see how the school is responsible. Secondly and most importantly, even if you want to blame the lack of school closure, why didn't someone fucking wake up early and look out their goddamned window? Seriously North Carolinians, who is that fucking lazy? I grew up in the Seattle area where the whole city shuts down if you fart snow. And granted it's often stupid, but at least we have major hills that cause issue, AND there are never school closures until we see the shit on the ground. I don't get it.
So today we were told it was going to snow up to two inches. This is my weekend where I work the 2nd job all weekend during the days. Everyone on Friday night was wishing me safe driving and such. I laughed at them, as I knew that it was once again bullshit. But what do you know? It snowed! It didn't stick but a dusting on the grass, but now there is a serious concern for ice in the morning because it's supposed to stay in the 20's and drop to 12 or 17 or something tomorrow night. So we shall see. But still, I have no faith in the weather people anymore, and more importantly the North Carolina school districts. These are the moments I am glad I am barren.
Motherfucker! They are now running CHURCH closings and delays under Runaway Jury. I can't wait to get out of here.
CURIOUSER AND CURIOUSER
So we know that this place, as my friend Chad says, is "cracked out". Between pygmy goats trying to jump my car, ride-on lawn mowers driving on streets, and turkeys in my office window, you'd think nothing would shock me here. I was wrong.
This morning I was at work mocking the weather with one of the resident's daughters. We were comparing our horror stories from grocery shopping last night. The stores were PACKED! People were buying batteries and all sorts of shit. The two of us were cracking up at the fact that everyone freaked out over what they "thought" was going to be two inches of snow for one day. She told me how her store sold out of bananas and toilet paper. This of course cracked me up. She said one of the clerks said that the toilet paper became a big issue! Apparently they sold out and then the toilet paper truck pulled in, the guy started unloading the toilet paper and people went nuts! They started running out to the loading dock and were grabbing toilet paper off the truck! All of this for one day of potential snow? Who shits that much to the point where snow instills the fear of lack of toilet paper? Even I, the Queen of Poo, doesn’t get this.
We got our chuckles out of this and then we moved on to the crazier man. This was what seemed to be a very nice security guard. I had been warned he was a talker though. The guard showed up with his waxed and curled moustache and cane and took a seat. He told me about his bum knee and how he doesn't do full rounds, but looks out the window to make sure nothing bad is going on. Then for some reason, as conversation with the security guards oddly turns to, we talked about our divorces. I got to hear all about his and his wife's insanity and sexual/physical abuse from her first marriage. Now, I am someone who can take a lot, but this was starting to make me uncomfortable.
Then he said the words that pushed the line.
Guard: I love my ex-wife, but she got my retirement fund and everything I own. If I ever get a terminal illness, I'm going to kill her divorce attorney!
Me: Hahaha! Right.
Guard: No, I'm not kidding! I'll kill the son of a bitch.
Me: (Now uncomfortable). Oh.
Guard: I'll tell you something; the threat to this nation is not the terrorists. It's the attorneys that rape our judicial system.
Me: Oh.
Seriously folks, what do you say to this? I just witnessed a potential death threat! I sat there with a semi-smile frozen to my face and started working on a project. I was skurrrrred. Skurrrrred, I tell you. Chad, you are right. This place IS cracked out. April can't come soon enough.
On a lighter note, I am feeling more human again, but am extremely constipated from the Chantix. I'm not smoking though! Yay for not smoking, though I feel like I cheated tonight because I am currently drinking wine and I broke down and sucked a nicotine lozenge. Boo for no poop! Not even a couple of glasses of Metamucil have helped me out today. I woke up today with poo baby bloat. It's quite repulsive. I think I shall do a saline laxative. I'm worried; as the last time I did this, I shit tea water in my sleep. However, the poo bloat is just too much to handle. Maybe I'll lay down some garbage bags in my bed tonight?
At this point, I'm sure you are ready to vomit so I will leave you be. Happy pooping, not smoking, and not killing attorneys to all!
Love,
Me
Trackbacks
Trackback specific URI for this entry
No Trackbacks
