The Heather Chronicles

KAMP KOXX AND THE WARRIOR PRINCESSES OF BOONE

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 15:50:47 -0700

Things have been so busy as of late that I can barely keep track of what day it is, yet alone get anything done it seems. Life has been consumed with working late, school, studying and my new puppy. Its been a month since all that shit hit the fan with the crazy evicted roommate, but it's thankfully coming to an end with just a few repercussions peeping their heads in. At least we're finally starting to exist in that light at the end of the tunnel that seemed distant not too long ago. I'm flippin' exhausted, mentally and physically, but minus wishing for more time in the day to take care of myself, things are good.

As I run about like a chicken with her head cut off, I've had moments of sheer awe of what has transpired in the last year and where I now sit. In the last year and almost a month I have moved four times, fallen apart, with the help of friends and family and self Humpty was put back together again, am in school to obtain my dream of becoming a massage therapist which I am so in love with (school and my dream fulfilling itself), have a wonderful roommate, a new puppy that is just pure love who is wearing me out, and still have the best friends and family I could ask for. When I think of how much has transpired, I'm amazed at the year and where I am now versus where I was a year ago. With the exception of about 10 pounds, I'm in a much better place than last year.

This last weekend, our weekly Girls Night group went to a cabin outside of Boone for the night and we had an absolute blast - good friends, lots of food, laughter, warrior princess face painting, too much wine, a dance party, and a fire; it was glorious. Not only was I in the woods, which I just love beyond words, but was with inspiring, amazing women whom I love dearly and laugh with often. We cracked up, danced our asses off, had blunt conversations, and of course I cried and then in my wino turnaround tried to go for a nature hike in my pajamas which was hindered with death threats.

That night led to some deep conversation and I see that while I've come far, I still have a long way to go before I'm in the place I should and crave to be. But one thing was evident...it's a hell of a grand and loving ride getting there, and I'm doing so with a decorative face.

AN IMAGINED RANT OF THE HIPPIE UNDEAD AND THEIR BATTLE FOR IMMORTALITY

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 06:39:00 -0700

A few weeks ago I heard a news story about a woman in Colorado who was driving home late one night and crashed her car; single car accident. When the police showed up she said there had been a vampire in the road and it startled her and she ran off the road. And get this...the woman was stone-cold sober! Maybe crazy, but sober nonetheless.

I texted this to some of my Twilight and True Blood-loving friends here in Charlotte and got into a text conversation with my friend Candice about vampires in Colorado. While we all know vampires aren't real, I still couldn't wrap my head around the concept that of all places in the world, Colorado could even possibly have a vampire residing there. Yes, I know...this is my warped brain taking the illogical and running with it.

You may wonder why in the hell I'd think that a vampire couldn't live in Colorado? Let me explain. While having never been to Colorado, I hear it's stunning and gorgeous. I'm even contemplating checking it out once I'm done with massage school. My friends who've lived there LOVED it. Why wouldn't a vampire? Well, here's the thing...based on what I've heard about Colorado I gather it to be a more progressive, outdoorsy, hippie kind of place...at least in many parts of it. And what do we all know about hippies? Most of them are vegetarian. And what else do we know about hippies? Many smoke weed. Now, I'm not bashing being a hippie, being vegetarian or smoking pot...I adore hippies for one. Secondly, I was vegetarian for many years myself and anyone who knew me in high school knows I smoked my fair share of weed. It's not ripping on that at all; it's just that I can't see a vampire living that lifestyle.

First of all, we're talking about blood suckers. Not very vegetarian. I mean, obviously if some hippie turned into a vampire this would be a life-altering change. They'd HAVE to start drinking blood. This is going to have many repercussions of course since anyone who has been a vegetarian and started eating meat again knows what it does to your tummy...you are plagued by the rhea at first. So here we have a nature-loving hippie now not only forced into a life of needing blood to survive, but they've got diarrhea. A really bad case of diarrhea. No one likes having that, but especially when you know you're going to be going through this for a while due to diet changes.

In addition to eating meat, this hippie vampire now has to kill to get their blood. Besides the hippies gone mad-turned anarchist crazy folk, we all know hippies are pretty chill and non-violentat least every hippie Ive known. Now they've become everything that they're against: a blood-eating killing machine with a bad case of the poo-poos. This makes a calm hippie, a violent and frustrated hippie now.

Now let's throw in the weed. This is going to do two things: rev up the appetite for the munchies (being blood) and also making them lazy. This vampire hippie is going to smoke some weed to chill out from their throat-fest of carnivorous debauchery and instead is going to get hungrier. What the hell do vampires snack on? Of course, more blood. So we've aggravated the problem. They're already pissed that they are living a pre-conditioned new lifestyle of drinking blood, killing people, and it's taking a toll on their tummy, but now they want it more because they have the munchies. So their mind starts over-thinking everything since they're totally high and would typically be eating Sun Chips. Instead, all they want is a nice jugular. They need their munchies, but now they're too frickin' stoned to get off their ass and go find themselves a victim and instead start playing Wii. Now they're carnivores, violent, are on the toilet every time they eat, and are now too stoned to go hunt out someone to munch on and they're starving. Can we see we're I'm going with this? The hippie undead would eventually starve to death and rot. Therefore, there will never be vampires in Boulder. Yes, you are safe from the nocturnal undead dear residents of Boulder. The same can be said of hippie zombies.

Now, my friend Candice pointed out that in the show True Blood (which I've never seen), they drink synthetic blood so it could work. Yes, it really could, but we still have the munchies situation. Unless they could get their hands on a hefty supply of the fake blood, they're still going to starve because with all the weed they're smoking, they're going to go through a lot of blood. The only other way I could see vampires in Colorado working out is if when they turned into a vampire, their vegetarianism would hold strong and they in turn would suck the juice out of vegetables like Bunnicula.

Now, you know who would make good vampires? Republicans. Not necessarily all Republicans, but we have to admit that most of the Midwest and the South are Republicans, and along with that, I've never met so many people that hunt in my life as those I've met from the South and Midwest. So we have people who already hunt and eat their hunted's flesh. They'd make awesome vampires, and even better zombies! And isn't True Blood based in Louisiana? SEE! Good places for vampires.

And while I'm on my rant about the prime geographic locations for vampires, let me briefly address the whole Twilight thing. While I get those vampires dig on my hometown of the Pacific Northwest because the overcast weather doesn't show their stupid sparkling, I can honestly tell you that most vampires in the movies seem pretty depressed in the first place. Put them in a constant cloud cover and I'm pretty sure we'd end up with mass suicides of vampires with Seasonal Affective Disorder.

So while we know there are no such things as vampires, should you feel differently and believe in them, move to Colorado to be safe...and hide your carrots just in case.

BENICIO BALOO

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 05:50:00 -0700

I am SO happy. SO flippin' happy and full right now. In addition to my lovely new home that is now clean of the psycho/thief of a roommate, the fact that I'm loving school and working on achieving my dream, and life just being really good despite being exhausting right now, I now have yet another reason to add to the stew of goodness...Benicio.

Benicio is my almost 8-week old Lab/St. Bernard puppy (we think his dad was a German Shepherd they saw taking off from their dog one night) whom I just brought home last night. He is totally, chill, loving and a total hippie. He is close to perfection! And with that, meet Benicio Baloo McD.

THE LEGEND OF BJ LANE

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Tue, 13 Jul 2010 12:39:29 -0700

This is for my friend Shane who has the unfortunate view of a dead end road behind the YMCA at the railroad tracks where she has witnessed one too many blow jobs being given in cars. Shane, this is the story of BJ Lane...

THE LEGEND OF BJ LANE
Gather round folks, Ive a story to tell
Bout a place thats as hot and as nasty as hell.
Around the corner of the NoDa Y
Sits a secret spot and this aint no lie.

Many moons ago an unsightly whore
Started this tale of oral lore.
Late one eve on a full moon night
The whore in town found herself not right.

While theres many things wrong with a whore we know,
This one little thing posed a dilemma fo sho.
The whore lost her place of business you see,
Thus a loss of a places to get down on her knees.

Then late one night as the whore stumbled home
She came across a place where shed never roamed.
A dead end road where she could act all defiant
And some railroad tracks to bring her new clients!

With glee and with hope she set up new shop.
At last she could suck more than a Tootsie Pop!
Hushed word spread rampant through the town where to go
To get some action from this well-known ho.

Business was booming, visitors flocked,
To pay for play time with theirwell, you know.
The men lined up with their candy canes
And there birthed the place known as Blow Job Lane

MISSION IMPEEPABLE

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 12:03:37 -0700

Ohhhhh boy. I have a fantastic idea that I'm going to do this weekend. Be prepared. Any stories and pictures from the mission will follow.

THE LION SLEEPS TONIGHT...

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 06:30:25 -0700

This place get weirder and weirder, but this specific thing is particularly awesome. I don't have cable, so I was going to go hang out and watch The Office last night with some friends down the road. I grabbed my purse and started the short walk. The street that leads me to their place is nicknamed "Renter's Row" as it's a bunch of lower income homes and duplexes for rent and you often see piles of broken furniture and just house junk that people throw out in their yard when they move out. This one house has been for rent for a bit and as I approached it I saw a huge pile of dirt and leaves in the front yard of the empty house. And as I got closer and could see around the tree blocking part of the view, I saw a large animal sleeping on it! I thought it was a huge dog at first and kind of panicked because it was really big and not in a backyard. As I got closer I saw what it was and kind of panicked for a second...it was a lion!!! The following conversation ensued in my head...

Imagination: There's a fucking lion in my neighborhood!!!

Logic: You retard! Why would a lion be in your neighborhood?

Imagination: It ran away from the circus and found its way here looking for food! What if he's hungry and I walk by?

Logic: It's been a couple of months since the circus was here. If a lion escaped, you'd have heard about it.

Imagination: Okay, so maybe it's an escapee from some redneck who illegally bought a lion. You hear stories about that all the time of people buying tigers or chimps and stuff and then they snap one day and kill or maul their owner's friend. It made its escape and found its way here. Now he's napping and waiting for his dinner. This is the South, weird shit happens all the time here. People find legs in smokers and stuff.

Logic: You're in therapy, right?

Imagination: Yes.

Logic: Good.

So after the battle of Imagination vs. Logic, I compromised; I walked slowly and quietly as I neared the sleeping lion. And as my blind ass got close, I saw it. It was a very large stuffed lion. Okay, so I was partially correct.

My friends and I were talking about scary movies later that night and I got scared to walk home in the dark so they drove me and I told them I had to show them the lion. As they approached I shouted, "There he is!" Josh turned the car a bit so that the headlights shone directly on the large stuffed animal napping on dirt. It was missing an eye.

"It's a faceless lion," I whispered.

"Ohhhhh. It's the Velveteen Rabbit," Priscilla whimpered.

This of course led to conversation of that book and I was getting misty-eyed. I was grateful to stop talking about it by the time I got home, as everything makes me cry lately and I didn't need to add "stuffed animal books" to the list of things that make me weep.

This morning as I drove in to work, I passed the lion and stopped and took a picture. Here he is. I'm still thinking he escaped from the circus...or Toys R' Us.

MY BODY IS A BILLBOARD AND OTHER STUPID CHOICES

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Thu, 01 Apr 2010 08:37:20 -0700

I will be the first to admit that I have done many stupid things in my life...MANY stupid things. I have been too impulsive, too naive, too whimsical, too much a believer in signs, too klutzy, too mouthy, and too animated in my hand gestures (this having led to the injuries of myself and others). I do not deny these things. I have the scars, both physical and emotional, to prove it. It's okay, I can at least admit it and most of the mistakes can be laughed at. The ones that are difficult to find funny and instead should have had me institutionalized at the first announcement of said mistake, are the ones involving love.

I am not a believer in fairy tales, but I do believe in signs and I used to believe in love and those things have led me to much trouble. I was engaged after two weeks of knowing my first fiancé when I was 18. I almost moved to L.A. for a different relationship, but wizened up and realized that was too risky (why did I have more sense than now?). I was 24 when I bought a house with the man I'd only been dating for five...yes five...months. I then decided this meant we needed to marry since we owned a home and we did seven months later. I then cried in the plane bathroom on our way home from our honeymoon because I realized what I'd done and wasn't ready for marriage and then resented my husband for the next three years for something that I had wanted, until we finally divorced. I have decided it'd be fantastic to go for a drive in the woods with a stranger I'd just met who wanted to show me elk (luckily he really did). I spent a weekend with a man whom when looking for a pen in his glove box, discovered paperwork showing his recent release from a mental hospital. I have had plenty of flings, dates, brief relationships and such that all sounded wonderful at the time; I think maybe like a handful really were. Seriously, I'm beyond an idiot about this stuff.

Friend: Heather, I don't think you should go out with that guy. I think he was just doing coke in the bathroom and I saw him kick a puppy.

Me: No, he wasn't doing coke. He said his allergies are just really bad and his Nasonex leaves a white residue. And he didn't kick the puppy, he TRIPPED over the puppy. Trust me, I get a good vibe from this guy. Plus he was black hair and thick eyebrows! You KNOW how dreamy that is to me. And he volunteers for the DOT on weekends! You know how much I believe in volunteering and giving back.

After one to three dates I then realize he is a total cokehead, is mean to animals and is doing community service for his domestic violence charges. Seriously...stupid, stupid choices.

And of course we have the master takeover of retardation in moving 3,000 miles for someone I fell in love with after a week and dated long distance for three months. Most friends expressed concern and called me crazy, but I would exclaim they "just didn't understand"! Then stupid romantic, whimsical Heather packed up her shit, drove 3,000 miles and moved in with a very sweet and loving man who was also a terrible alcoholic that liked to be scary and abusive in blackouts. I think someone should have kidnapped me upon my initial announcement of moving here to stop me for my own good. Since this last debacle, I've been heartbroken and angry at myself and stayed away from men. I feel so fucked up and broken after this last one that I think I would be toxic to someone. So I stayed away...until last night.

Oh god, this is so bad.

Every Wednesday is Girls' Night and some of my girlfriends and I go to our favorite wine bar, and then sometimes off to another place where their brother-in-law DJ's. It's always a great time and it's what I look forward to every week. Wait. I must preface this with something. I recently admitted to a friend that I have a crush on someone. It's just a harmless little crush that helps me realize that I am not totally dead inside. That is a lot of progress for me. I knew if I were asked out or...god forbid...touched, I'd probably run away and cry. So I for now am just enjoying having a little crush on a nice, funny guy. That is enough for me. No expectations, no wants, just a cute guy I enjoy talking to and want nothing more from.

Well, I think having a crush must have subliminally opened some old door. Pandora's box, but a different kind of box. You see, I drank a bit too much last night. Okay, so not "a bit too much"...I got wasted. The last thing I remember is being at the other bar after the wine bar. I woke up early this morning in pain and in a strange room. There was a body next to me...alive, thank god. Holy shit! Who was this person? What happened? Where was I? Why does my butt cheek hurt so bad? I got up and got dressed quietly and went to look for my purse. I picked it up and this woke up the sleeping man in bed. I needed to get out, and NOW! I can't believe I slept with someone...and I didn't even have the luxury of remembering it. This is terrible. I am 37, not 22.

The sound of me picking up my purse awoke him. He sat up (ok, kind of cute) and asked where I was going? I said I had to get home so I could get ready for work. I internally panicked thinking of what if I can't figure my way home? He got up and gave me a kiss and told me he'd call me later. I said okay, still wondering who this person was? He started laughing and told me I was crazy and he couldn't believe I went through with the dare.

I am now alarmed. What dare?

He then smacked my ass and the pain was awful! Oh no. Why does my butt hurt? I asked what he meant and he looked shocked and asked if I remembered? I told him no, that I don't remember much of last night. He gives me a concerned look and asks if I remember his name? I start to cry and say I don't and that I don't even remember meeting him. I can't tell if he's pissed or scared by the look on his face. So then he starts to fill me in...

We met at the second bar and started doing shots. I rarely do shots. They do not like me and I do not like them. He said my friends all left and tried to convince me to go too, but I wouldn't. He said that we really hit it off and were talking about marriage and I was saying how I didn't ever want to get married again, but would love to for like a day just so I could say, "And my second husband...." So apparently he said he could help with that if it were only for a day and we agreed to go do so. I started crying really hard then. Oh my god, did I marry this guy? He quickly reassured me we hadn't because we had to have a marriage license and it was obviously too late to get one or get married. He told me we were joking around about how neither of us could afford getting wedding bands and so I suggested tattoos with each other's names on it. He quipped back that I'd never do that and I got pissed he questioned that. He said he dared me to do it then, that if I did he would pay for it and we'd get married as soon as we could and then get it annulled.

Long story short, I went through with it he said. I was now sobbing and ran into the bathroom. I knew where it was because of the pain. I pulled my pants down and there it was. Oh god, it was so much worse than I thought. Not only did I have a tattoo on my ass, but the tattoo was devastating. It was another fucking dolphin and has a trail of supposed water behind it's tail (why do they always have spray off their tail?) that spelled out this guy's name...Josh. At least I knew his name now. Oh my god!!! Why would I do this? I can't afford to have it removed, and I do not want someone's name on me, and for fuck's sake...another dolphin? I don't know which is worse? Okay, I do, but you have to admit it's a close call.

I had to leave to go home and then go to work, but we agreed to get together this weekend. I don't know if it's so I can learn more of the story or simply know something about the man on my ass. Either way it seems somewhat necessary in a weird way. I almost feel like we have to date since his name is on my butt. This is all totally devastating to me. I am almost 40-years old and I continue to make stupid choice after stupid choice. I love a good story, but this is just shameful! I think we can all agree that the name of this stupid choice can be summed up in one word...tequila. I'm never drinking again...or maybe I'll just start selling advertising space on my body. Could be a good second job.

Continue reading "MY BODY IS A BILLBOARD AND OTHER STUPID CHOICES"

ME SUMMED UP BY AN ONION ARTICLE

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Tue, 23 Mar 2010 08:03:41 -0700

Nice. The following is an email received by my friend this morning. Need I say more?

Why does this headline make me think of you?

From: ******
To: Heather ********

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

:)

Stouffers To Include Suicide Prevention Tips On Single Serve Microwavable Meals http://onion.com/bPmIXw

LET THE MIND GO AND THE BODY WILL FOLLOW...

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Sun, 14 Mar 2010 09:41:28 -0700

I always remember this constant theme from the movie L.A. Story (one of my all time favorites). It seems to be quite fitting of my recent situation.

I had a very powerful talk with one of my best friends last night. We filled each other in on our lives and I poured out my heart about all my financial struggles because of being buried in medical bills, of not knowing where I was going to live when I moved out next month, of not being able to accomplish the dream I've been focused on for quite some time now, of my fears and anguish of all the crap that has happened in the last year. And then she spoke and I listened and everything changed. I always feel grounded after I speak with her and our talks always trickle into my heart and actions. She reminds me of what's right and true and the importance of turning things over and not worrying about the hows or whys of things. Whenever I speak with her I remember the person that I truly am, though I feel is hibernating. I am reminded of the importance of not keeping my truth dormant because it does nothing but leave me stagnant, unsure and fearful.

I hung up the phone grounded, content, fearless, faithful, optimistic and enlightened. I knew what needed to be done about many things. Some were simple and I knew how to accomplish them, and others I have no idea how I will get there, but I will and I will let the path there take it's own course.

All of this led to realizations and an amazing talk with my mother which left me very humble and grateful and closer to being free of the shit I've been carrying around for a long time. I won't go into details, but will just say that this last year changed my life in a very bad way and I have struggled with not succumbing to the guilt and hate that I carry that I held onto something so destructive and abusive long after it passed. I have many regrets, but I can't go back and have to let it go. I can't erase the memory, and I'm not at the point of forgiving...yet, but I have to learn to let this go because I'm the only one it's hurting. I have to stop beating myself up for the choices I made and stop focusing on being resentful because I now feel "stuck" here. My mom told me last night that she's not sure why exactly, but that she feels there was some purpose in my move out here. Whether it be to establish a stronger relationship with my niece, or to have certain people brought into my life that I wouldn't have known, or something I'm not seeing at all, there's got to be a reason.

I have to realize that this horrible last year has also brought me to a place of freedom to pursue a dream of mine that I've had for the last ten years. I've tried to make it happen numerous times, but have been distracted by other jobs, relationships, moves, etc. I now am in a place where I have no ties and the motivation to make this happen finally. I'm not getting any younger, and I feel like this is something I'm supposed to do...or more I know I'm supposed to do. I've researched it for a long time and was panicking on how to make it happen, when Michelle talked to me about setting a goal for the year and not worrying about how to get there, but to let the powers that be figure that part out. Yes, there has to be footwork, which I've done, but now I have to stop stressing and let things fall into place for how to make it happen. It's worked so many other times, why do I doubt it will work now? I shouldn't doubt it, so I choose to make this dream my intent for the year and continue to take the steps to make it happen and just believe that the Universe will bring me to that place.

So as I let that path fall into place, I will focus on letting go, healing and finding my true self once again. She used to be a good friend and I'd like to get back in touch.

THE GRIM REAPER HATES THE 80'S

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 06:41:25 -0800

First, let me say that what is about to follow is by no means meant to speak ill of the dead. It's just weird to me that all these 80's icons are dying young or younger than average. Seriously, I mean in the last year we lost Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, John Hughes, Boner from Growing Pains, and now Cory Haim. Some were "natural" causes (cancer and heart attack if you count either of those as truly "natural"), suicide, and "accidental" overdoses. It's kind of creepy to me!

ME: They just announced Cory Haim died of an overdose!!!

BRANDY: I heard thats crazy

ME: It's like Final Destination 80's style. Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Boner from Growing Pains, Cory Haim.

BRANDY: Never saw that movie.

ME: People avoid their destined death and death is pissed and comes after them one by one. Death is taking back the 80's.

BRANDY: Is this the 1st celeb or 2nd? It happens in 3s. Nevermind, he may be the 3rd. Boner from Growing pains, the guy from Sparklehorse, and now Haim.

ME: I forgot about Sparklehorse guy. I'm seriously wondering if he won't count though. The Grim Reaper seems to be pissed at 80's actors.

BRANDY: LOLing at work because Death is taking back the 80s.

ME: I think one of two things.

1) Death was a big fan of the 80's and wants them all to himself. He's collecting movie stars, TV stars and musicians. He's going to make them perform scenes from Charlies Angels, Growing Pains and License to Drive, all while Michael Jackson is singing Billie Jean in the background.

2) Death is PISSED at the 80's. He's taking them down one by one and making sure they can't have any comebacks like they tried. OH! Let's not forget John Hughes was 80's too! I wonder if Death wrote some screenplay, song or TV pilot or maybe ALL and none were ever picked up so he is taking back what he thinks is rightfully his!

Who will be next? It's totally going to be one of The Brat Pack, I bet. After seeing Judd Nelson at the Oscars, I almost wonder if he'll be next to go? That man is starting to like Val Kilmer as Doc Holiday in Tombstone! Actually, I'm going to place my bets on Gary Colemen. He's not been doing too well and has always had health problems. Plus he seems to have quite the volatile marriage, so is health doesn't get him, his wife just might.

The more I think about it, the more I'm actually convinced all this is the resurrection of 80's fashion. Seriously, the shit should have died as soon as the 80's was over. I remember many years ago discussing with friends that of all eras of fashion that should be dead and buried the 80's was the one that had to never come back for the sake of mankind. Alas, it did though, at least in certain ways. I'm seeing frickin' shoulder pads in fashion shows now! A lot of the tops from back then have been in for a while now, and leggings...dear god. Eylin and I have had this conversation so many times. If you are wearing them under a dress or oversized clothing, then fine. However, LEGGINGS ARE NOT PANTS! Do NOT wear them with a shirt that doesn't at least come to your mid-thigh. No matter how hot or skinny you are, you look like shit in your leggings when we have to see your ass and thighs. Leggings are just not flattering.

In all of this, I get what has happened. Basically what we're dealing with is this - by resurrecting 80's fashion, we have awakened Death. He is PISSED because like my statement earlier, the 80's were to be dead and buried. The dumbass who had the balls to bring back leggings and drawstring shirts is responsible for this! Didn't you people every see Jumanji? There are REASONS why the game was buried in an attic or in the sand...bring it back to life and you're playing with fire. And that's what has happened here. 80's fashion has been brought back from the dead and wasn't supposed to. Death is therefore taking back the 80's. He can't claim clothes since they're just objects. Instead he is taking LIVES. Seriously, people LIVES. It's like when Buffy was brought back from the dead because they were scared she was in Hell, but she was really in Heaven and happy. Her life resurrected was horrible compared to what she'd had in Heaven. Dear fashion designers, you are Willow, Xander and the crew resurrecting Buffy (the 80's). The 80's were happy being dead!!! They were having their own dance party in Heaven, all aglow in neon glory! Now you had to bring them back and Death has been angered and is taking people of the entertainment industry who were famous in the 80's! Stop the fashion, take back lives.

Death, just take the clothes and leave the people, okay? Oh, and uh...leave the music for me, please.

THE BATTLE OF NO NOSED SUMMER AND MY IMAGINATION

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 17:51:28 -0800

I am a self-admitted sissy. I can handle killing roaches, will ignore spiders, have no issue eating alone anymore, will cut through an alley at 2 AM by myself, and can talk to a wall...things that many people are afraid of. However when it comes to anything that is completely ridiculous, that is where my fears come into play. I am afraid of dolls, dying naked, driving over a bridge into water, ghosts, getting stuck under a semi, living past 50 and I'm kind of freaked out of sandwiches (what IS in between the bread?).

What's really bad is that my idiot fears combined with my wild imagination are a very dangerous weapon. I can walk down an alley and I will envision kicking someone's ass if I get attacked, but the other day as I walked into my mom's house and saw a disturbing blinky doll in a box in the garage, I kept picturing her climbing the stairs to try to get me. Thank god you practically need a ladder to get into that bad.

I admit it's ludicrous, but it's just how I work!

My roommate was gone this one night about a week ago, so I'd been playing on Facebook for a bit. My friend suggested this page about people who laugh at inappropriate things so I check it out. When I go to the page, some people share their stories of laughing at inappropriate things, but a bunch of people post the following:

WHENU R READING THIS DONT STOP OR SOMETHING BAD WILL HAPPEN! {SORRYABOUTTHIS} THIS GIRL'S NAME IS SUMMER SHE'S 15 YEARS OLD & hasBLONDEHAIR ,MANY SCARS no NOSE OR EARS.. SHE IS DEAD. IF U DONT COPYTHIS JUSTLIKE FROM THE RING, COPY N POST THIS ON 5 MORE SITES.. OR..SUMMER WILLAPPEAR ONE DARK QUIET NIGHT WHEN UR NOT..............ExPECTING IT BYYOUR BED WITH A KNIFE AND KILL U. THIS IS NO JOKESOMETHING GOOD WILLHAPPEN TO U IF YOU POST THIS ON 5 MORE PAGESee More

My heart stopped. It's the little girl from The Ring's best friend or a different version of Bloody Mary. What the hell is WRONG with these people? Why do they do this to me? It scared the shit out of me! Yes, I know these stupid "Do this or this will happen to you" things aren't real, but STILL fake or not we're talking dead girls with no noses! How can that not be terrifying to even imagine???

I immediately got off that page, signed off and turned up the TV real loud to anything that would distract the story going on in my mind where I wake up to this dead girl with no nose who kills me. I started picturing the scenario and grew intensely more afraid of going to bed that night. So what do I do? The most asinine thing possible...I did a little pseudo-speech/prayer in my mind.

"Okay Summer, I'm sorry you are dead and missing your nose. Mine isn't too hot so you may appreciate the lack of one. Honestly, there are many benefits to missing a nose, especially if you're around someone like me after they've had turkey meatballs! It's rancid! Seriously, do you even need a nose after you're dead? Can you smell things when you're dead? I apologize, as I've gone off track now. Anyway, I'm sorry that I did not repost that message on Facebook about you. I just feel like it's so junior high. Know that it did scare the hell out of me, so if you're vindictive you can get a laugh out of that at least. Please don't kill me, or if you do please don't let me see you before you off me. Seriously, at least let me die in my sleep and not have to see a nose-less ghost before I die. Thank you, Ms. Summer. Amen or something."

Throughout the night I'd get distracted and be okay until I pictured no nose dead girl standing by my bedside when I awoke in the middle of the night. When it came time for bed, I mustered up the courage to turn off the light (I've managed to wean off a nightlight since I moved in to my friend's house, though it's because the light on the side of my neighbor's house shines in my room). As soon as that light went out, I threw the covers over my head and made a small breathing hole while encasing the rest of my head in a comforter. I hummed for a bit before I finally fell asleep, hoping that I would not awake to the scariest thing short of being attacked by a blinky doll.

The light woke me up the next morning. I was alive and alone in my room. Yee-hah! My speech to Summer worked! I had once again survived the curse of my own imagination. However, now she's on my mind again. What if I cant sleep now because Im thinking about her again and get freaked out again? Okay, I must cover my ass again.

Dear dead girl without a nose

WAS THAT TERABITHIA?

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 06:57:00 -0800

I think I was born in the wrong era. Seriously, I long for the days when things were simpler and much less scary. Where people weren't so blatantly disgusting and disrespectful and greedy to the degree they are now. I know there were different worries and battles in earlier days, but now...well, now we've become this sloth-like, "me-first" attitude gone astray, that have no peace or disconnection from life sometimes because we're always reachable by cell phone. There are lots of things that I appreciate in this day and age, however there are many things I absolutely cannot stand. People are becoming creepier because of the anonymity of the internet to be whoever they want to be. I can't stand that video games and internet suck the brains out of people who stay on them all day long and never experience what has always been in existence...air. I hate, hate, HATE that people text talk. Seriously, it drives me batty. I know my text messages turn into 2-3 messages long, but I have a very difficult time texting someone, "NBD. Talk 2 u l8er." Have we really become that lazy? Unfortunately yes.

With the advancement of technology, this has made people so lazy that some are on the verge of being flat out immobile. Do we really need to drive two locks? Do we really have to do EVERYTHING online? If a store is within an hour of you, can you not go to the store and buy a purchase there rather than ordering it online? In a day and age where people are in dire need of employment, can we maybe eliminate those stupid robot menus for customer service when you call a company? Could we not employ a receptionist to direct your call? I find it so sad that it's so rare to actually get a live person when you call a company nowadays. And now they have all these voice activated menus when you call a company which are the death of me. So now we've become too lazy to press buttons? I understand that if you're on a cell phone and driving, this works to your advantage to have it voice activated, but can we not improve that technology a bit then?

This is where the whole point of the story begins...my issue with voice activated phone menus. I suck with them. Why? Well, on a good day they can't understand me. Perhaps it's my slight lisp? Or that I speak to fast or too slow? On a bad day it's likely that I sound like I'm in a zoo. A zoo? Yes, a zoo. I'm realizing that I'm a very vocal person without meaning to be. I often growl when I'm pissed. I will make what can only be described as a noise similar to that of a Skeksi from The Dark Crystal when I'm frustrated beyond belief or am trying really hard to clear my throat. I make a fart noise with my mouth when I screw up or get confused. I give an overexaggerated sigh when I'm bored or impatient. I make some foreign animal noise when I give a big yawn, and when I laugh really hard...actually, I can't remember what it sounds like to laugh really hard so never mind that one. Add all this to making sound effects instead of words, and add in my bizarre sneezing sounds, and we have a zoo in a Heather. Now picture this zoo in a Heather trying to maneuver her way through a voice activated phone menu. It's not pretty.

Too many times, have I had the following misfortune...

PHONE MENU: Please say your credit card number.

ME: 4-8 (Skeksi noise)7...

PHONE MENU: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Let's try this again. Please say your credit card number.

ME: 4-8 (big yawn) 7....

PHONE MENU: I'm sorry, I didn't get that. Let's try this one more time.

ME: (frustrated now) Grrrrrrrrrrrr....

PHONE MENU: I'm sorry. I'm having a hard time understanding you. I'll transfer you to a representative that can help you.

It gets really frustrating! Why not just send me to an agent in the first place? On the rare occasion they give you the choice of typing in the information or saying it, I always type it in because I know what awaits me. Sometimes the phone menus get a bit aggressive. When I lived in High Point and I'd visit my friend in Charlotte, I was driving back home one Sunday and was stuck in standstill traffic right outside of Charlotte, which rarely exists...especially on a Sunday. So I call 511 to see if there's an accident.

PHONE MENU: Welcome to the North Carolina Department of Transportation's Information Line. To get started, please say what freeway you're on.

ME: I-85

PHONE MENU: I heard I-85. Is this correct?

ME: Yes.

PHONE MENU: What city are you in?

ME: Charlotte

PHONE MENU: I heard Charlotte. Is this correct?

ME: Yes.

PHONE MENU: Please state what part of I-85 you are on in Charlotte. Gastonia to Charlotte? Charlotte to Concord?...

ME: Charlotte to Concord.

PHONE MENU: There is an accident at Exit...

ME: ACHOO! AAAAACHOO! AAAAACHOOOO!

PHONE MENU: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!

ME: AAACHOOO! ACHOO! Shit! ACHOOO! Fuck! ACHOOOOO!

PHONE MENU: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!...Good-bye.

I was disconnected before the sneezing rampage even finished. At least I knew there was an accident somewhere between where I was and Concord. But the irritation at having, "ALERT! ALERT! ALERT!" shouted at you by the voice of Rosie the Robot, is not the most calming moment amongst a sneezing attack. Plus it's a bit disturbing to know that your sneeze can set off some phone menu alarm. Luckily I have not been faced with many voice activated phone menus in quite some time until last month. And this one...this one just confused the hell out of me.

It was supposed to be a simple call to IKON to order toner, but instead I think I ended up the recipient of what I think was a joke created by some fan of 1970's children literature who set up IKON's phone menu. After I say our Equipment ID number, which went through fine, I am given the next option.

PHONE MENU: What can I help you with today. Please say "service call", "order supplies"...

ME: Order supplies.

PHONE MENU: Okay. First, let me get your name please. At the tone, please say your name. BEEP.

ME: Heather.

PHONE MENU: Was that Terabithia?

What in the hell? I'm about to laugh, but know this will destroy my voice activated possibility of getting through to actually place an order. I cover my mouth and wonder how it got Terabithia from Heather? And WHY Terabithia is even a possibility baffles me even more.

ME: No.

PHONE MENU: Okay. Let's try this again. At the tone, please say your name. BEEP.

ME: Heather.

PHONE MENU: Was that Hillary?

ME: NO!!!!

I'm about to make my frustrated Skeksie noise, but realize this will get me into further trouble.

PHONE MENU: Okay. Let's try this again. At the tone, please say your name. BEEP.

ME: (Slowly) Heea-therrrrr.

PHONE MENU: Was that Heether?

ME: NOOOOO!!!! No it's NOT!!! Shit! AGENT! AGENT!

PHONE MENU: Okay. I'm having difficulties understanding you. I'll transfer you to an agent now.

And of course in less time than convincing the robot that I was Heather instead of Terabithia, I was done. Seriously, in a world that has become so impersonal why do we have to add illiterate robot women and men to the mix? Of course I could learn a thing or two from them.

GRUMPY SUB: When in the hell are we getting paid?

ME: As soon as the job gets funded.

GRUMPY SUB: Well, this is ridiculous! You say...

ME: I'm sorry I didn't get that. Please repeat your complaint.

GRUMPY SUB: I SAID this is ridiculous! I have to...

ME: ALERT! ALERT! ALERT! I'm sorry. I seem to be having trouble understanding you. Good-bye.

AND NEVER BROUGHT TO MIND...

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 11:09:55 -0800

AT LAST! 2009 is almost gone! We're in the Year of the Ox, which is kind of relative since it truly was bullshit (and yes, I know it's not Chinese New Year until February so please don't remind me it's not over yet). Tomorrow is New Year's, typically my second favorite holiday, and I'm likely going to be asleep before midnight. Not exactly how I planned the evening, but kind of fitting of my mood lately. Hell, I had mentioned somewhere that I wish I could just sleep through it and wake up in the new year; looks like I'm going to get my wish. I'm hopeful for 2010 and want it to be the complete opposite of 2009. I originally thought I'd want to really celebrate tomorrow night and give a big, "FUCK YOU" to 2009. I can't even do that; this year was just too mean and full of painful lessons. I was no longer in the mood to acknowledge this year, even if it was leaving. Plans switched and some friends and I were discussing just hanging out together at my friend's house, which sounded perfect! However, things changed and I'm now having surgery the morning of New Year's Eve and will be so doped up I will seriously be asleep when the New Year hits. In a way it's a relief that I can just stay home and try to forget that this last year ever happened.

I've tried to make my last few posts optimistic and to work on being grateful for the people and love I have in my life. Today I just feel sad. I'm definitely grateful, but sad. I want this sadness to turn into being grateful that this year is about to be kaput! There are many lessons learned that I'm still grappling with, and everyone keeps telling me those lessons will eventually be a good thing, but for now they still just hurt. Thing is, I have to give this a try so here we go....

THINGS I LEARNED OR CAME TO ACCEPT IN 2009
1. NEVER change or give up your life solely for another person.
2. If you are called horrible names, blamed for making someone the way they are, accused of things you didn't do, screamed at for no reason, dealing with irrationality and craziness...run like hell.
3. Never let crazy bring out your crazy.
4. If your gut says go, go.
5. There is a difference in compromise and settling for less.
6. Do not let changes in life distract you from your goals.
7. That if I don't figure out this whole "love yourself" crap, I am doomed.
8. Love should be supportive, not tear you apart.
9. You can't take care of someone who can't take care of themselves, and you shouldn't be expected to.
10. There is a reason why women should wipe front to back.
11. To keep my legs together when peeing.
12. You CAN quit smoking even when the world feels like it's falling apart, and you don't always gain weight from it.
13. Don't be too proud to use stool softeners.
14. I should consider making mock animal weapons...I have some good ideas.
15. Dry heat really DOES make a difference. Humidity is just disgusting.
16. Lightning bugs can make any night better.
17. We all have super powers even if they don't seem that big of a deal (please reference my human bubble blower).
18. There are certain places you really should lock your doors when driving through.
19. I am not invincible.
20. Exercise is sometimes better than therapy.
21. Valentines Day is annoying to me, single or not.
22. Acting like a responsible adult and being childlike and playful is good. Refusing to grow up is VERY different.
23. Being there for others can instantly change your mood and is a great remedy for your own pain.
24. My niece continues to be more awesome than I could have ever expected.
25. Sometimes we don't take the right path to get to the right place, but we get there.
26. Never say you'd never do something...sometimes you can surprise yourself.
27. I wasn't always running away when moving like everyone thought.
28. Sometimes moving CAN make things better.
29. Sometimes it's not such a great idea to get rid of everything you own...you'll likely need that again...sooner than you think.
30. Just because something is gone, it doesn't mean it's dead.
31. Getting older does not mean you will not get zits. You just get zits AND wrinkles.
32. That when you make a face too long it really does stay.
34. Sometimes hanging onto your skinny jeans is a good thing.
35. No matter what, I will always get my period when wearing white underwear or during a holiday.
36. I shouldn't trust everyone right off the bat because unfortunately, not everyone is good.
37. No matter how old and wise you think you are, you're really just old and trying not to make the same mistakes or make new ones.
38. Even the strongest notions can crumble unexpectedly.
39. Taking extra steps to keep a child believing in Santa can make you just as excited as that child finding "proof".
40. Just because something is bite-sized doesn't mean you can eat 20 of them.
41. I can never take a public Pilates class. There are just some noises that can't be controlled.
42. I CAN get through a winter without being sick.
43. Why they always call them "stubborn grays".
44. Hugs really can make a difference.
45. And babies. Babies make my blues go away.
46. So can Christmas cards...I'm not giving them up again next year.
47. There is a reason why you should floss regularly.
48. Being romantic can never make up for certain things.
49. Sorry doesn't mean anything if you keep doing the same thing over and over.
50. Nobody is cooler than Chuck Norris, but Mr. T is close.

So hopefully 2010 will have more optimistic and fun results from what I learn during it. In saying that, hopefully my New Year's Resolutions for 2010 will bring me a happier ending to this new year.

NEW YEARS RESOLUTIONS FOR 2010
1. Move out of Charlotte.
2. Go to school.
3. Heal and forgive and stop criticizing and beating myself up.
4. Get back to doing the things I love...there is a reason they make me happy. This mainly refers to yoga, hiking, reading, and writing.
5. End the year in a better place financially.
6. Run a 5K (not walk, but run...this is big for an ex-smoker)
7. No more abusive relationships...once in a lifetime is enough.
8. Start planning for my future...it's not that far away.
9. Keep open to new adventures and experiences.
10. Find something to make me laugh each day.
11. Keep in better touch with my friends, and reach out to them more.
12. Work on my secret project.
13. Invest in some new boots....mine have all fallen apart.
14. Go back to more holistic remedies and methods in my life. I felt WAY better when I did.
15. Meditate, meditate, meditate.
16. Eat better.
17. Get regular.
18. Journal at least three times a week.
19. Volunteer more.
20. Figure out this "learning to love yourself" crap.
21. Feel happy again, or at least get to know it again.

Wishing you all a wonderful, fun and safe New Year's! Let's all make 2010 one of great adventures, calm hearts, lots of laughter, healing, giving, loving, and remembering what is really important about life. Here's to another year together!

Much love and champagne toasts to all,
Heather McDuffin, The New Year's McMuffin

WHILE IT WON'T FIT UNDER THE TREE, THIS WILL HAVE TO DO

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Thu, 24 Dec 2009 06:14:51 -0800

Today started well and then quickly turned sad, thoughtful, and then full of gratitude.

I awoke early, having some of the most restful sleep I've had in a long time. I have been plagued with nightmares for months and its been taking a toll on me. Sometimes they were remembering the reality of what I endured, stayed for, and swept under the rug to pose as being happy. Other times they were dreams of things that never happened, but were post-breakup and always involving him hurting me in some way or another. Other times they were of him and what could have been if he hadn't been so sick. No matter what, he was always in them, no matter how much I wished he would be exiled from my dreams and thoughts. So while I at least sleep nowadays, my vivid dreams often leave me shaken, disturbed and confused when I awake. This really throws me off and starts my day in a less than desirable way.

Last night as I closed my eyes and faded off, I said aloud, "I will not dream of you tonight." I fell into a deep sleep and instantly I heard music, which I realize now I rarely hear in my dreams. I was in a small town in the mountains having a picnic with friends whom I knew were friends, but I've never met. The dream progressed through the day with the picnic, then a hike, then walking around the town laughing, seeming very happy. It all felt very familiar and comforting. I felt so free. There was nothing bad; no worry, no fear, no hurt, no regret, no blame, no shame or embarrassment. All the things that have plagued me for so long were gone as I slept. I hadn't felt that in a very, very long time. I finally had a true good night's sleep and actually woke up smiling and happy before my alarm went off! I didn't want to move in fear that the feeling would stay in my bed when I left it. Luckily it continued.

Today is pay day, and tradition with pay day is that I get up early and "splurge" on an Americano at Starbucks. I've actually gone almost every day this week being that I'm alone at the office and not wanting to make coffee that is crappy, so it's been a $6 splurge kind of week. The sun was coming up, the city was covered in frost and the roads were near abandoned since so many people are off today. I pull into the parking lot of Starbucks, start to walk to the back door, and am stopped by a car pulling out. The man tells me they are closed, which shocks me. He then informs me that the police are out front, and that they were robbed this morning. The people there are always so sweet and nice, and whether you are nice or not, no one should have to go through being robbed, particularly in the early morning of Christmas Eve.

He drives away and two others start to walk there and I tell them and they panic, not knowing of any other coffee shops. This is odd to me since that was their first concern. I give them directions to where I'm heading and go there. When I get there I see this man I always see when I go to Starbucks in the morning. He's always writing in the corner and chatting with the staff there. I ask him if he knew anything about the robbery. He tells me a few men robbed them at gunpoint at about 5:00 AM. He and I discuss this for a few minutes and I comment how sad it was that they had to go through that at all, yet alone on Christmas Eve. He replies that it just shows how desperate people are right now. I agreed and left feeling sad that this is what our world has come to. As I drove away, I passed this building with a huge line outside of it. I had never seen this there before and stared, trying to figure out what was going on as I drove by. I then saw that it was for plasma donations. I realized that these people were likely trying to get some money last minute for gifts. The tears set in and I cried most of my way to work.

In a year that has been one of the most painful and shameful ones I have endured in my adult life, I find that as it wraps itself up, I am constantly reminded of how lucky I am. I am beyond blessed with a fun, loving and crazy family that is its own source of constant entertainment, comfort and support. We can have it out pretty bad sometimes, but within a day (usually less) things are fine and we are laughing at how stupid and ridiculous we were being. My family is always there when the shit hits the fan in whatever way they can be. I have a never ending supply of love and support and calming getaways to regroup my thoughts. I have recently had some much needed financial support to take care of recent health issues that I was not prepared to deal with, and am not sure what I would have done without it. My family is there for each other. We're nuts and bizarre. We do not necessarily understand each others' paths, but we support them. We are all very different, but very much the same. And in all of this we love and are there for each other in our own ways. I can't imagine it any other way, and am beyond grateful for their love and all they do.

I am blessed with many, many amazing friends that are pure and true friends; the kind of friends that truly know me and my heart. They are the kind of friends where it's not about what we're doing, but about the fact we're doing it together; whether it's going out, going for a hike, having dinner at someone's house, or just sitting on a couch talking about life. I can open up to the depths of who I am and what I believe to these people and they will share that with me as well. I can laugh with them, cry with them, or just try to figure out what the hell is going on with this crazy world with them. They are family to me. They are partners in crime. They are cheerleaders of life. They don't approve of everything I do and will lovingly express their concern or call me on my shit, but no matter what retarded choices I make in my life, they stand by my side. They are there to celebrate my successes and mourn my losses with me. They pick me up when I feel like I can't stand. They help me understand that baby steps are still steps. They remind me not to beat myself up, be ashamed of my choices, or let someone take away the best part of me. They remind me of who I was before I feel like I became a shell of that person and try to instill that that person is still in there.

Between my family and my friends, I am always loved, supported and taken care of. I have always had a roof over my head, even when I had those times where I had no idea where I would be living the very next day. I have always had food. I have often been spoiled with being treated to various things that I could not afford on my own...dinners, shows, drinks, getaways. I hold a lot of guilt that I have received so much, yet feel like I can't give back in those same ways. I only hope that I can give of myself and be a good friend who loves my family and friends back as much as I feel loved.

So as I think about the people who had to rob a store or donate plasma last minute to likely have money for Christmas, my heart aches for those people who have so little or have no one at all. It aches for the extremes that people will go to for material needs rather than focus on instilling love. It aches for the kids who get so much while some have nothing to awake to on Christmas morning. It aches for those who may have a lot "things", but no one in their life. I have struggled much in my life in many ways, but it has never been as bad as it could have been because the one thing I always have had is a plethora of love from the most wonderful people.

So tomorrow morning as you open your gifts and you get an ugly sweater, the wrong kind of whatever, another pair of socks, or are like me and not doing gifts (except for the niece) and will simply have a lot of Christmas hugs and my mom's Christmas breakfast, remember there are those that don't even get something they didn't want. Remember that you are loved by many and have much to be grateful for. And while I am definitely no big deal, know you are definitely loved by me dear friends and family. You are so very loved by me.

Merry Christmas!

SNOW IS NOT A NATURAL DISASTER

nospam@example.com (Heather Duffin) — Fri, 18 Dec 2009 04:55:45 -0800

We here in Charlotte have a "Winter Storm Warning" that is causing panic in the hearts of Western North Carolinians. We are supposed to get...brace yourself...are you ready...1-3 inches of snow!!! Now this is definitely an impairment, particularly to the people of North Carolina since they freak out on the roads when it simply rains. Many people move here for the great mild climate most of the year (minus sweltering, humid summers) and get spoiled.but scared of rain? Come on, people! I bet you'd be less scared if someone told you that you had to drive through a stream of urine (which I accidentally did once). If this brings comfort, just multiply those urine streams and drive. I bet it seems a lot less intimidating to drive through urine streams than rain, right? IT'S THE FRICKIN' SAME THING!

Okay, I got off track there. My point in bitching about the people who are scared and don't know how to drive in rain is that imagine what happens when you have snow on the road? It's really scary! Seattle panics just as much with the snow, maybe worse because of all the big hills there. I remember the storm of 1996 where people were abandoning their vehicles on the freeways and walking to hotels. Of course we had an actual blizzard that time, but even with an inch Seattle panics. North Carolina is pretty flat and it's much easier to get around in it if you must. So when I encountered a little bit of snow here during my time in High Point a couple of years ago and then in Charlotte last year, I was shocked to see what happens in this state...it's unlike anything I've seen before. And so with that, I address the situation to the people of North Carolina.

Dear North Carolinians,

As we all await the predicted snow, many things are swirling about my mind...things like, "How festive! I'm so glad I'm going to the lake this weekend; it will be so pretty there with the snow! Mom can make snow cream if we get enough! I hope I can beat the storm before it hits Mom's since they're supposed to get 3-6 inches. Did I bring warm enough clothes? My tire is kind of bald, this could be bad. I really suck at driving in the snow...please let me beat the snow." These thoughts are just simple concerns and excitement. Please notice dear folk that nowhere in these thoughts have the following concerns appeared:

- I must buy two packs of every type of battery!
- A flashlight! I must buy a flashlight! Maybe more than one, even!
- What about food? We will surely run out of food! We must raid the grocery stores!
- I am going to call in sick to prepare for the winter storm.
- This is the end of the world!!!

I know this may shock you that I am not concerned about the above-noted items, but seriously people...it's only supposed to be around for the weekend. Unless your cupboards were bare to begin with and you are just grocery shopping the way you would any other day, then chill the fuck out! Okay, that wasn't very kind or Southern of me. How about this? CHILL THE FUCK OUT Y'ALL!!! Was that too harsh?

I know snow can be scary to drive in, trust me I know and I do battle fears of driving in it myself. Sometimes you just have to try it if it's not too bad out though. I am not cancelling my plans to go to my mom's just because it's supposed to snow. I did come into work early so I can leave early and try to get to her house to watch the snow hit. Yes, I am nervous about the snow starting up before I get there, but I will deal with it and drive like a grandma if I must. If something bad happens, at least I have a sleeping bag and my Halloween gnome hat to keep me warm, but I doubt my travels will end up in that bad of a situation.

So while I can truly understand your concerns of driving in the snow, I cannot understand the sheer panic and hording that takes place in this state (outside of the mountain towns that are used to it) when snow is about to hit. I would like to take this opportunity to let you know that you will not starve to death. Once again, it is only supposed to last through Sunday and warm up on Monday. I'm sure you already have enough food to sustain yourself through the weekend. If for some reason another crazy North Carolinian breaks into your home and robs you of your bread and cheese, of which were your only food items to last you for three days, please note that the human body can go without food for quite some time so long as you have water. And guess what? If for some reason your hands are too cold to turn the knobs at the faucet, remember that the root of this evil is snow! And what is snow? Let's alls say it together now, "FROZEN WATER!!!" Yes, you can eat snow for the three days you have no food and are unable to drink water from the tap. How lucky of for you!!! So in knowing that you will not die from starvation during the two days of snow, please do not purchase four loaves of bread to get you through the weekend. My friend went to buy juice the other day and said there was no bread in the store, as it had been all bought up in the winter storm panic that is standard around here.

On another note, this is snow and not an ice storm...power outages are not likely. Tree limbs do not typically break and down power lines when they hold a couple of inches of snow on them. There is no need to buy tons of batteries for the one flashlight you own. And there is no need to purchase a bunch of flashlights. Most of what you likely have in your home does not run on batteries anyways. Worst case scenario, you do lose power and you have your four loaves of bread, your flashlight and a working vibrator. That's about it. Be more concerned with keeping warm. If you were out buying up bundles of wood for your fireplace and s'mores ingredients for the fun of a fire, I can understand that. But bread, chips, batteries, etc? You. Are. Retarded.

Basically what I'm trying to say to you people of North Carolina is this...it is a couple of days of a couple of inches of snow. This is not a scene from "The Day After Tomorrow". You do not have to horde food, buy up batteries, loot stores that are closed from the snow because it is imperative that you have Frosted Flakes to survive the snow, burn books to stay warm, or contemplate cannibalism in case you run out of steak. Just drive safe, be careful, be reasonable, use common sense and for god's sake stop acting like it's the end of the world! It will be melted in a few days.

With great amusement and some discontent,
Heather McDuffin The Cold McMuffin